Funny stories

A woman asks for advice from the doctor
J. - Doctor,my 17 year old son was so fascinated by the computer that even sleeping
near him. How to wean?
D. - Very easy! Wine, vodka, cigarettes, women ...

Medical students, so as not to undermine the prestige of the profession, take the Hippocratic oath. Students of the food industry not to undermine the prestige of the profession, take an oath that you will not tell people what's in your sausage.

My son is 7 years old, tells me today: you know why dogs lick us?Because within us the bones.

15 funny theatrical tales


► Alexander Shirvindt played the role of playboy that all night drove the son of his old mistress hot spots. Along the way, the heroes lose each other, and the hero of Shakespeare's coming home alone. On hearing this, the old lady pounced on him with terrible accusations. End of her monologue were the words: Where is my son? But the actress misspoke and said:
— Where is my cheese?
In the hall — silence. Unflappable Shirvindt, glancing at her with a grin, replied:
— I ate it!

► Konstantin Stanislavsky played the role of argan in"the Imaginary sick by Moliere. One to play on stage he has come off the nose. He began to attach it back to the front of the audience and say:
— Trouble is, here the nose is sick. It's probably something mental.

► Appeared on the scene the Countess. The actor playing the role of her son, forgot the words. Prompter hisses to him:
— The Countess you see mother! In the decanter, you see mother!
He picks up the decanter, and, with astonishment looking at him, says:
— Mom, how did you get there?!

► The plot of a play my husband had to unexpectedly enter the room where the invalid wife just burned a letter from her lover. Plunging nostrils air, he shouted that smells of burnt paper. And clearly were interested in, what so secret burned his wife. Caught the hand of the wife with tears, had confessed to everything.
At the premiere the same stage worker forgot to light the candle on the table. Harlot for a long time rushed to the scene and trying to figure out what to do with the unfortunate letter. In the end, from the hopelessness of the situation, she tore it into small pieces. Entered the husband looked at the picture and after a moment of confusion said:
I can smell torn paper! Madam, kindly explain

► Entertainer Nikolai Smirnov-Sokolsky found a way out of any situation. At one of the concerts he confused pianist Yakov flier with violinist Samuel Fuhrer and announced to the public:
— Coming violinist flier!
The pianist, naturally, protested. Then the artist came on stage and said:
— Excuse me, comrades. The fact that Yakov flier forgot my violin at home, so will play the piano. And it's even harder.

► Roman Viktyuk staged Anna Karenina in the staging of Grigori Gorin. The performance was great, but long: it was about 5 hours. At the premiere, somewhere towards the end of the fourth hour, one elderly Jew leaned to the man sitting next to Gorin said:
— Listen, I have never in my life have so long waited for the train!

► Go play the Seagull on the play A. P. Chekhov. As you know, in his final should be shot. Then on the scene the doctor Dorn says:
The fact is, Konstantin Gavrilovich has shot himself.
The pause was tightened, and the shot is not. Dorn understands what it takes to save the situation.
He goes on stage and is a long time, still hoping for a shot, which is still not audible. Then he says:
The fact is, Konstantin Gavrilovich has hanged himself.
And then a shot rings out. After some thought, the actor adds:
— And shot himself.

► The actress involved in the play, refers to the Director:
I want the first action of the diamonds on me was real.
— All will be present — it calms her Director. And the diamonds in the first act, and the poison in the latter.

► Actor Sergei Martinson played Baba Yaga. From the hall behind him watching his five year old son. In the most important moment, when all the children were worried about the hero, which Baba Yaga was supposed to exterminate, grimacing, dancing and singing something like: We're roasted, we're in the dust will blow! — the whole theatre rang out the cry of the son of the artist:
— Dad, are you stupid?!

► The actor playing the dying moor in Schiller's tragedy"the Robbers" and said a very quiet, dying voice. From the gallery cried:
—Louder!
No embarrassed, the actor said in a loud voice:
— Moore dies, louder can not speak.

► One of his Eugene Onegin, in the scene of the duel heroes, the gun didn't work. But Onegin is not confused and hit Lensky's leg. He was small and clever by saying: What treachery! I realized that the boot was poisoned! — fell and died in convulsions.

► Zinovy Gerdt said he had a roommate — a sweet and kind woman, but very serious. Zinovy Efimovich tried to tell the anecdote, which began with the words: Dead man..., and she was filled with questions: what was his name? how did he die? how long has he been sick? did he have children?
Once the actor has decided to prank her. Called her on the phone at exactly 18:00 and changed voice asked:
— Sorry, but the question there?
The neighbor said: No, you got the wrong number. Half an hour later she calls back and asks the same question a different voice. So every 30 minutes. Another would have been sent away or picked up the phone, but the neighbor was a woman intelligent and honest answer to all calls. The denouement was to come at midnight. Gerdt calling her again:
— Hello, this is San Sanych. I never got a call?
The answer struck the actor on the spot:
— San Sanych, where have you been? You also half the town is looking for!

► As a rule, actors in the theatre do not learn by heart texts that roles can be read off the sheet. This is sometimes plays a cruel joke with them. So, in one performance on the stage ran the messenger, and handed the letter with the words:
— Your Majesty, a letter to you.
The king opens the scroll and — Oh, horror! — the text is not there (colleagues made fun of). But the artist was experienced, therefore, returning the scroll to the messenger, said:
— Read the messenger!
The actor playing the role of a messenger, too, was no fool and returned the letter to the king with the words:
— Wrong, Your Majesty!

► There is a performance with the participation of Maria Yermolova. Backstage a shot rings out: it was shot by the husband of the heroine. The stage runs the actor Alexander Yuzhin. The actress in the terrible excitement asks:
— Who was shooting?
Moving not breathing download the film instead of Your husband! blurts out:
— Your flies!
Yermolov repeats in horror:
— Moss flies? — and faints.

► In a small provincial town the theater showed the Storm by Ostrovsky. In the final scene, when Katherine throws herself into the river, for mitigating the effects of the fall used the mats. They are usually on tour and drove looking for the place. But this time the mats are not found. I had to take a proposed somewhere a trampoline. Actress about the switch were not warned.
And during the play the heroine with a cry rushes into the river... and flying back. With a cry... And so several times. At this point one of the actors says:
— Yes, Ah, do not take the mother-Volga...

I eyes after laser correction opened (this is after 8-9 minus diopters), then went nuts — what the world turns out to be a clear happens. However, repairs in the apartment to make had the girl to quit.

- Andrew, if you're so ill conduct, that your dad will grow gray hair.
- Dad will be delighted - and that he's bald.

To protest the doctors came out to the streets. The government can not understand what the doctor, because no one can quite make out what is written on the banners...

Live today saw one of the fastest channels
transfer data size: 32 GB per second. The vacuum has sucked the stick.

The addict comes into a phone booth and starts urinating there. Standing beside the woman, angered by what he saw, yelling at him:
- Shame on you! Come out immediately!
The addict, not really knowing what was happening, says to himself:
- In a pancake! It is necessary, in the women's toilet got!
.
A man came to visit a friend, and there are a lot of drug addicts in the stairwell.
Loaded the syringe with some black muddy shit and let him in a circle. Man
stunned and asks:
- You th, guys, are not afraid of AIDS?
Hy are you persecuting! Yes, we're all in the condom!

Comes tightly Nakuru nark to the dentist. All itchy and nasal voice says: Hey, man, help me out, the tooth finally hurts. The doctor: sorry can't, my work day ended 5 minutes ago. Nark says: motherfucker, what am I to do now?? The doctor told him to an ancient Russian method is to tie a rope over the end and hard to pull. The next day, the doctor call from the intensive care unit: You are advised banago yesterday to tie the rope over the end and pull? Yes? And now advise as him the end of primiti!

A programmer can organize a business?
One writes viruses and the other anti-virus software.
- And the third?
- Operating system under which it works! ! ...

The doctor prescribes medicine for the patient, that:
- Write a certificate that I'm an idiot.
Why?
- I think that nasal drops for 8 thousand, without such a reference in the pharmacies release should not.

Met doctors on the booze. Complain to each other, the work that they have
tired.
Dentist:
- I got tired from this stupid job!
Ophthalmologist:
To see this work I can't!
Otolaryngologist:
- I'm already in the throat!
Gynecologist:
- Well, I think the proctologist nothing new to say...

Hollywood. The premiere of "Ambulance".
In the middle of a session hear a scream
Doctor!!! There in the hall doctor?!?!
The light flashes. A person comes and says
— I am a Professor of medicine, what happened?
— Agree, coworker, full ......nya!!!!!!!

pencolor
ahah ))) cool )))))
and I remembered a story about healthy cat breed Maine Coon. I like that on the forum read a review of one owner and just rolled from laughter )))
Today I will tell you the story of the unequal struggle of man with a cat for the right to sleep where I want, without the risk to die ignominiously crushed. Let him live in the newspaper for the edification of posterity, and those desperate people who decided to have the Maine Coon and the bed with wide headboard.

There is a cat. In cot 10 pounds. There is a bed. The bed high padded back with a width of 10-15 cm. Are the owners of the cat who sleep on this bed.

The first part of the ballet Marlezonskogo
Night the cat jumps up on the headboard of the bed and walks on it. A cat's night promenade. But as a cat in a previous life was a cow and some features moved to the current incarnation, the fourth, the fifth trip he loses his balance and smykaetsya down. If I'm lucky, cat falls out next. If you are unlucky, my head landing about 10 pounds of cat, and somehow always ass. Question: how to wean a cat of this habit?

It has been tried:

— sticky tape, arranged on the back of the bed (in the end, midnight tore them from the half-crazed cat, almost without a scalp to its left),
— unloved cat scent ylang-ylang (the cat pissed on what flavor it is unloved),
— tangerine peel in large numbers (cat squeamish posshibat skins on my head, and in the process fell in behind them himself).

What else can you do? With the spray under my pillow I was already asleep. The cat flees, then returns.


The second part of the ballet Marlezonskogo
Two days ago I posted in the online community, this cry from the heart. Received a lot of feedback. The two went to work immediately. As promised, report.

I love simple and easy to implement ideas. The proposals to nail the shelf to the bed, to the cat, to your head, so it was convenient for her to fall, was postponed.

To begin, I took the child six balloons, inflated and squeezed pimpochku between the wall and the bed. Turned out very nicely. My husband could see them and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night slammed a shot. Sleepily, I decided that the husband shot the cat (although the only weapon in our house — it's a water pistol). When turned on the light, the cat was sitting on the floor surrounded by scraps of blue balls and squinted with displeasure. He gave a kick, I lifted the balls and went back to sleep. It was our strategic mistake, proving how little we know about cats.

The second and third balls he blew up 20 minutes later and rode away, laughing mockingly. Husband strongly asked me to clean up and finish for today with the experiments. While I hid the balloons in the closet, the cat crept to the biggest and hit him with his paw.

In net result: minus four balls, minus two hours of sleep, minus eight meters of nerve fibers for two adults. Plus — entertainment cat.

Then it went to fallback. The entire headboard was padded in several layers of foil that rustled louder. I assured my husband that he can now sleep peacefully: the foil, the cat finds itself not exactly — be afraid.

In General, it almost did. Cat came in a couple hours when we fell asleep. Jumped from the Cabinet to the foil. The foil rustled, the cat was terribly frightened, sprang into the air and fell on her husband.

In net result: minus ten meters of the foil, minus 40 drops of motherwort for two adults. Plus — entertainment cat.

And he looked at us this morning while we were trying to cook Breakfast with shaking hands!

Tomorrow I will try with shelf.

The third part of the ballet Marlezonskogo
After the foil and the bulbs did not work, I began to think in another direction: how to keep out the cat at night in the bedroom. The first was used repeller cats. Unfortunately, the cat did not understand that it is a repeller. But I understand a husband who frowned, sniffed, and eventually was asked to ventilate the room. So now I have a repeller of men who need — can give.

About the same stupidity was a basin of water. We put it with the expectation that the cat will splash around and forget about the bed (he loves water). The calculation was justified by half: the cat lapped, but the bed is not forgotten. At night he galloped up to us, shaking her wet paws. I sleepily thought that they had 22. Ten he stepped on my face, the rest ran on the blanket and the sheet. Finally, loudly kissed her husband's nose, tknuvshis in his wet muzzle, which was dripping water.

After that, the husband said to hell with it, with the interior, he agrees on the shelf. The evening brought a lacquered Board with a side, were busy for two hours, cursing the innocent bed, and finally attached. I wanted to say that it's better to drop us cat than this thing (out of her alive no one would come out), but looked into her husband's face and decided to remain silent. Okay, I think, one night sleep, and then I'll take it off from sin. In addition, before the dream ran the child and sketched out her own toys. I waved and did not swear because I was thinking, from the family who is going to raise the baby, if we bury under a shelf. (I must say that I was worrying for nothing as it turned out, my husband nailed it on the conscience.)

Night on the shelf came a cat. Imposingly walked to the middle and touched the paw of one of the toys. It was interactive hamster "Zhu-Zhu Pets".

From touching a cat's paw hamster joined, invitingly exclaimed, "Abuse-th-threat!" — and ran at the cat, shining with love.

I would love to tell about what happened next, but I'm not gonna lie: we haven't seen it. And even the cat until the morning was never seen again. Hamster ran to the edge of the shelves and suicides, like lemmings jumping from a cliff into a basin of water.

The result is a shelf we made. On the back of the bed now sits guard hamster. The cat in the room does not go. And if he happens to see the hamster in the half-open door, he swells to the size of the manul and the horror recedes.

thanks for the story, very funny))

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Why it's funny, because the person who wrote all this based on a certain source and backed his comments with facts, and turned this misery, which is not to edit.
and there is simply no basic piece

pachimu? Yes figs knows, it is possible of course that the system was about the characters < and all sorts of b and /, taking them for BB codes, but there are also moderators who probably do not care at all.

- The truth is in wine...
- Whose?
- Are you legal?
Yes. How did you know???

Some of nakidali in the hut at the classmate and offered to sleep Evo sister.that by the way refused(

Cool :)

Yesterday, I bought my wife an expensive ring. Just like that, with emotion. The first thing she asked: What happened? Tell me the truth, even the worst. Stole something? Cheat on me?. Now sitting in the corner sulking, thinking I'm hiding something. I'd rather her pan some bought!