New Year's fanfic - a parody of \ "Enjoy Your Bath \" (Half-Life 2)
Updated 12.29.2015.Now the creative is available only in the form of PDF, ODF and FB2, download the link:
http://img.playground.ru/images/8/6/ironiya_sursa.zip
(~ 733 kb)
You can use WinRAR or 7-zip ( if the latter swears, just change the extension to any other, for example, png, or even rar, 7z - a jamb due to the fact that this is not just zip, but zip.png).
View tested:
PDF - Foxit Reader (in theory, should display perfectly in any viewer)
FB2 - Cool Reader 2
ODT - OpenOffice, LibreOffice, IBM Lotus Symphony
Creos is published under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike license (abbreviated, CC BY- NC SA) 4.0 International.
Old post:
I preface everyone who remembers me and does not remember. Last year, I decided to create a half-hearted fanfiction for the New Year holidays, based on the movie mentioned in the title of the topic. I thought about putting it out for the old new year, but no one expressed any interest in answering a direct question, so I abandoned it to release it now, by the new, 2013th year. Thus, fanfic was created in three stages - last year, then sometime in the summer (exactly) and just a couple of days ago - the final scene. In the process of writing the creative, the film was watched more than once%) so you will most likely be constantly haunted by the feeling of déjà vu, but I hope that this story will delight the members of the forum (and indeed everyone who will watch this topic) and create a festive, New Year mood.
The Irony of Surs,
or
With Light Steam!
2021st year. The Alliance has reigned supreme on Earth for more than twenty years. The era of the Alliance marked an unprecedented degree of globalization and standardization. Whichever of the few remaining cities on Earth you arrive - of course, on a standard blue electric train with Cyrillic letters on the side - in any of them you would meet citizens dressed in the same standard blue or green robe, dressed in uniforms indistinguishable from each other and gas masks of GO-shnikov, would see a typical, dark blue Citadel hanging over the horizon. Typical Alliance armored personnel carriers would drive around the city, tall, absolutely identical striders would walk on their long thin legs, and the streets would be blocked by typical walls of dark metal, with typical force fields in the windows.
The names used by the Alliance also do not differ in variety. The city you arrive in will differ only in number: City Six, City Ten, City Fifteen, City Seventeen ... And so on, no more than thirty or thirty five. Not even City of Hundreds. The old name was left only to Ravenholm, and then only because the Alliance did not control it as unnecessary, because no one lives there except Father Gregory and his flock - obedient, listening to every Grigov word of zombie parishioners.
The sectors into which the city is conventionally divided are also carefully numbered, occasionally diluting the number with a letter or two. Each sector includes a dozen or two streets, for which three dozen standard, typical names have been prepared. In what sector are Brin Street or Alliance Day Streets dispensed with? How can the residents of the sector do without Servant Square and Manhak-Arkada Avenue?
Sometimes this can lead to incidents. The case described below happened in the winter of 2021, during the New Year holidays ...
Barney Calhoun walked
Yyyyy, for some reason he immediately caused a smile and sneaky laughter)))
Well, of course, because they - apathetic and fatal sitizens - were not the chiefs of the Civil Defense section
Barney was promoted to chiefs? O_o
And Our Patrons had to give in and even allow to decorate the Citadel with many kilometers of multi-colored garlands.
Oh, lold, instead of trees, decorate the citadels))))
Barney walked along the rows with tangerines.
But they turned out to be feropods)))
- How much? - he jabbed his finger into the most beautiful, rich, almost red tangerine.
- Fifteen Alliance Credits per kilo! - said the seller.
Where is Vortigaunt's Georgian accent? ...)
*Meanwhile. Freeman's secret uber-headquarters, the center of all anti-Alliance conspiracies and the den of the most inveterate criminals, located in sector 27G on Alliance Council Street, Building 3. *
Gordon Freeman sat with a bored look with a remote control in his hands and watched TV.
There is a knock on the door. At the combo site: - Brin asked us to pick up the rent for the last month and at the same time take a tax for the anti-Alliance movement ...
Of course, Wallace Brin spoke on it, but Gordon kept clicking and clicking the channel switch button, still hoping, but no longer believing, that not all hundred channels that caught the TV showed only the hateful face of the autocrat-consul.
But then suddenly a channel came across, which showed G-man in a red suit: Fuck ...
Gabe Newell.
- Hello, native City 17! Whether we built it ourselves, or the Alliance built it for us, it doesn't matter, because we are still happy to be here. Today we did not come empty-handed - talented guys, even independent of us, prepared a gift for all of you - a modification that fully revives the first part of the game on a new engine - Black Mesa Sourse.
Throwing tomatoes at Gabe, rode out in a fan fashion ... (((
he turned to the wall, on which the Windows Combine 17 desktop suddenly lit up. : Beta One ". After a while the cursor reached there and double-clicked.
No ... If this is a new Windows, then it would immediately go out with a blue screen. (Especially Gabe disowned version 8)
Someone threw something at Gabe, then another, and another, and soon red tomatoes began to fly at him from all directions, staining his T-shirt and jeans.
Throw 60-year-old Gey Nuba !!!)))
Alix bared her teeth predatory, as if trying to achieve even greater resemblance to the said animal. "And this is my bride!" - Freeman thought with horror and covered himself with a facepalm.
* killed by facenapalm *
Freeman jumped up and fiercely walked to the window, near which there was an elegantly decorated Christmas tree, and looked out of it into the street, to look at the snowy City of Seventeen. White flakes of snow swirled, flew swiftly outside the window and fell on the same snow-white gas mask of the GO officer standing at the post. The officer turned his gas mask and looked at Freeman peering out the window. The gas mask eyepieces seemed to bulge in terror. The officer rubbed his eyepieces, looked again at the peeping Freeman, then rubbed it again, took a photograph out of his pocket and put it to the glass, next to Freeman's angry looking face. The eyepieces became even rounder, the GO-shnik covered his mouth with his hand, or rather, the proboscis of the gas mask in horror. And then he quickly tore the photo and trampled it into the snow, and turned away from the window, as if nothing had happened, continuing to carry his watch.
Correctly))) And then the last time because of one stupid GO-shnik and his banks, the citadel to smithereens and the city to the trash ... I
forgot how to bypass the house, or, don't let Gmen, fell into one of the laser traps, what have we placed around the perimeter?
Not)))) He already took them off and took them to the radio market)))))
So, what are we going to drink, Christmas trees, sticks? Gordon urged on impatiently. Grigory slyly winked and brought out from somewhere into the world a chepy
edit
- So the bottle ran out ... - said Calhoun.
They didn't drink much ...
You will get to Rav safe and unseen, in extreme cases, I will carry you there myself - I know the shortest way.
Barney wakes up in Ravenholm - and he is no longer Barney, but ZombieBarney!
- Oh ... This is what happens, Freeman of that ... necrophile, tunnels? !! ​​11
Ohh, just paid attention to this? ...
- Oh well, it can't be, because he is such a man that uh - the whole Alliance is in fear ... he keeps ...
Well, that's right, in fear - fuck everyone to death and even after death it will be f ** king too !!!!))))))
- Guys, officers - we have arrived! Get out ... get out ... get out ... get out!
Let's hang out)))))
- Barnik! Ba-a-arnik! - shouted Freeman.
- Y-ba! - the zombie scared. Despite the chronic defeat by the crab, the zombie realized that next to him was Gordon Freeman, who in a couple of years personally calmed a little less zombies forever than Father Gregory in his entire life.
- Well, why are you cursing ?! - Freeman was indignant. - It is not good to use ... such words. Freeman leaned against the zombie's shoulder.
- Sick! cried the zombie, realizing the danger he faced.
- Yes, your head hurts, do you have it too? - Gordon nodded understandingly.
- Ha-a-a-hell! - begged the zombie.
- Oh yes, I agree, this Bryn is a bastard, he ate all the vodka in one mug, that's all ...
Ahahahahaha)))))))))))))))
- So, there must be a laser mine ... - muttered Freeman, circling the house and clumsily stepping over the imaginary beam. He stumbled and nearly collapsed, waving his arms in despair. - Phew ... Carried away! A little more, and ... bang! Eh-eh ... - he finally got up and walked to the door and stopped abruptly. - Something I did not understand ... Why is the door suddenly moved, wow? Ugh, no, that's it - I quit drinking! Today ... - he banged on the door, leaning against it. - Ila-ah-ah! Ila-ah-ah! A-a-alix! Pike face! Open up, somebody! Ba-a-arnik! Ba-a-arnik! Where did you all go, damn it ... - reluctantly reaches for the keys and after a while of searching finds them in the boot of his HEV. - Here it is, my golden glitches ... uh, key.
Shepard's adjustable wrench?))) The
rebel lifted the black headcrab lying in her arms.
- Well, Murchik, come on, tell us something ... New Year's!
And then the headcrab rushed at Magnusson ... Singing happily
under his breath (recent events with the headcrab trainer have already flown out of his head),
Hmm, I thought it was the rebel trainer ...
Freeman is standing in front of the wedding altar. Guests are standing around, and right in front of Gordon is Gregory, dressed in a cassock and reading something from a book with a cross, but at the same time not losing his vigilance, holding his favorite rifle in his other hand.
If Freeman doesn't like something in the bride, he will wink slyly at Grieg and the next bride's turn will come right there ...)))
- Your mother-pike, Alix, snakes are non-poisonous snakes, you mixed something up! - shouted heart-rending Freeman
xD
- What, didn’t wait? - and stuck out a hefty six-barrel gun from behind! Not even, even cooler - an eight-barreled gun.
Shepard "borrowed" not otherwise)))
- No, Bryn went to the bathhouse with us ... No, the wrong bathhouse! Into a real steam room, with brooms, wreaths ... No, without wreaths ...
No, with wreaths, Grigory made brooms from wreaths for zombies)))
- Ah-ah-ah, that's why this impudent face seemed so familiar to me ... Freeman! Exactly, I remember you! You have not changed since the days of Black Mesa, you are still the same arrogant, petty, vengeful ... My cake was not enough for you, and you wanted to spoil me something else?
Agy))))
- Yes, it is not orange, but orange! - Freeman vainly justified himself. - Eh, why my suit is not crimson, like Colette's? .. Though this color, I hope, has no political connotation?
It is necessary to paint in black, the color of undertakers ...
- No need. You've already said enough to deserve a present ... Wait a minute! I completely forgot! I just brought you a present, in honor of the holiday! - Magnusson dived into the corridor and returned with a box. - Here! - he put it on the table in front of the seated Judith and removed the lid. - Here it is, my ... magnusson!
Broke the chair!))) LOLD !!!! I LITERALLY (!!!!) broke the CHAIR !!!!!!!
- Agree, a good gift, eh? Mossman interrupted. - Now you can quickly cook something for yourself, always on the road, instead of running to an old friend to cook you a roast crab or crab steak. I was so surprised at this idea ... But at first I thought about a new magnum, slide rule or calculator based on a tri-core processor from the Alliance of Microprocessor Devices ... - at these words Magnusson let out a half-groan, half-whimper. - Are you feeling bad, dear? Mossman asked helpfully.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))),))))))))))))))))))
- No need to worry, now I'll bring him back! - Gordon volunteered and ran after Magnusson
On the go, taking out a tire iron))))
- The metal will quickly cool down, you will freeze in an instant - you won't have time to blink an eye - you will get sick and ... fatal.
- Don't worry, the suit has a self-destruction system for this case, so we'll die together ...
+1
- And don't dream, Magnusen, you are still far from Hippolytus. - Gordon quipped, after which he suddenly jumped on the spot and yelled. - Hurray!
- What are you happy about?
- I have a good reason to return! I forgot the pry bar.
and did he forget the crowbar there? ...)))
Here he is so courageous. Photo by - Binocle "
Fell under the table))))
- You flatter my breast size, doc! No, it's me ...
No, he's taking revenge on Judith's breast size)))
Fuh ... Have you commented, or have you commented on it? ... In general, a nishtyak creative came out, I just read it 31, instead of watching a movie)
Well, really, kament!))))))
ATP for such a great review, I'll read it as soon as I return from the forum mix%)
edit
Knock on the door. On the site of the combine: - Brin asked us to pick up the rent for the last month and at the same time take the tax for the anti-Alliance movement ...
+100500!
But then suddenly a channel came across, which showed a G-man in a red suit: Fuck ...
xD
* killed with a facenapalm *
LOL!
I LITERALLY (!!!!) broke the CHAIR !!!!!!!
Oh no, I flew into the chair ^^ 'I thought that this move with a magnusson could be expected))
I just read it 31, instead of watching a movie)
))) Oh, I never thought that I made replacement movie%)
Oh no, I flew into the chair ^^ '
you will pay off with comments)))) Oh, I
never thought that I had created a replacement for the film%)
Oh, why, such a suitable replacement for the Hafer community, re-read it on December 31 every year)) ))
Broke the chair!))) LOLD !!!! I LITERALLY (!!!!) broke the CHAIR !!!!!!!
And my cactus died while I was reading. FGD now owes me too. Let him pay with fewer typos.
))) S, I never thought that I had created a replacement for the film%)
I haven't read for so long, either because of this, I wanted to read it in the New Year, but I was distracted!
Comments:
In the process of writing the creative, the film was viewed more than once%) so you will most likely be constantly haunted by the feeling of déjà vu.
And the last time I watched the film was … uh, seven years ago, so it’s unlikely.
However, it is unlikely that such a prospect would suit them, how could it be - to beat themselves?
Well, some, I think, would suit. There must be masochists among them.
Windows Combine 17
Plus Rebellion Linux, MacOS Advisor and MS-DOS Zombie 8.4.
After all, I created the three most important components of Windows - a sapper, a scarf and a pinball! They hold the whole AXIS!
And the Eight is non-Vindic, it doesn't have them.
There are no others - "continuations", "overlaps" and other crap.
Rather, there are deposits.
- I’m not talking about them! Eli exclaimed. - You, you say, "I respect the black, hardened, red, green, orange ..."
Nazi! - Eli shouted and went in search of a broom.
- Grammar! - exclaimed Kombin and shot Eli for the above typo.
He will be in Leningrad, uh, I mean, in half-Leningrad. No, stop ... On the floor in Leningrad ...
- On the floor in Leningrad . - Grieg prompted him.
Well, if Kleiner sets up the teleport in the same state, then Gordon may well end up in the floor in Leningrad.
Freeman of that ... necrophile, tunnels
Considering the number of comparisons of Alix with a pike in this creo, he is more of a zoophile.
I understood everything, you are the spy of the Alliance, a member of the foreign intelligence, directly subordinate to the leadership of the Alliance, located on Plyuk!
FGD rip off the cover!
Here it is, my suit ... uh, it's worth it. Is sitting. Lies ... No, well, it doesn't hang exactly ... It is!
Exists!
>> - The naschyalnik has yellow pants! Twice "ku!"
> In the process of writing the creative, the film was viewed more than once.
Apparently, in the process of writing, you have seen more than once not only the SLP.
- Alex is a cremator, don’t powder my brains!
But in the beginning, Gordon said that that cremator was unnamed:
Yes, this is what this GO-shnik would probably say ... a combine ... and, I remembered, he was a cremator! He didn’t even have a name, only a number ... So he would have said: "Yes, you have brain cancer from all these antisocial networks!"
The Walking House? No, I haven't.
Well, yes, House is hobbling.
- Wow, my favorite show! - delighted Freeman
FGD is engaged in self-promotion!
Binocle
Isn't e superfluous?
Typos The
Alliance has reigned supreme on Earth for more than twenty years.
The comma after "more" is not needed.
The names used by the Alliance also do not differ in variety.
After "Alliance" you need a comma.
they had to give in and even allow the Citadel to be decorated with multi-kilometer multi-colored garlands.
* decorate
Hmm, to find out "how", you need to conduct an examination.
A comma after "learn" is not needed.
unforeseen errors are a normal phenomenon
* normal
I have something to do with it
* and
- Yes, and you, too, with a slight
It seems like after the "A" you need a comma, huh?
Meanwhile, on the screen, Myagkov like Zhenya Lukashin The
commas before and after “on the screen†are not needed.
however, pike muzzle The
comma after “however†is unnecessary.
For this, the Alliance should just punish you.
A comma after "such" is not needed.
disappeared from sight
* from
Well, Gordon, well sing The
comma after "Well" is not needed.
he grabbed a pry bar and smashed it with it
* he
went down from the roof, and the
comma after the “roof†is not needed.
Goodbye Gordon
After Goodbye, you need a comma.
after the victory of the Resistance, it is
not needed. The comma after “Resistance†is not needed.
I respect black, hard
* yellow
- Then, I suggest not to hesitate, but to drink to a happy couple.
The comma after "Then" is not needed.
He opened it and took out a bottle of vodka.
The comma after "him" is not needed.
also need to be by midnight, at the studio to be
A comma after "midnight" is not needed.
You will get to Rav safe and sound
* unharmed
Well or uncooked. So that the headcrabs don't digest / the zombies don't cook.
In a sense
*
Or is it an imitation of drunken speech?
However, Gordon, the
comma after "However" is unnecessary.
finally indulged in dreams ... True, not for long
* not for long
All day she, together with the
comma after "she" is not needed.
slapped him on the leg, from which
Space had already fallen, where the dj were.
- That's enough, I'm tired of it.
After "Everything" you need a comma.
yellow, or crimson The
comma after "yellow" is not needed.
glowing with beautiful soft, cheerful
After "beautiful" you need a comma.
- Well, what do you mean, why?
* Well, what do you mean "why"?
keep decency
* decency
Or is it again an imitation of drunken speech?
They are with friends, went to the bathhouse.
A comma after "friends" is not needed.
all its bays, and found the
Comma after "bays" is not needed.
under a blonde wig with short hair
A comma after "short" is not needed.
doors and unlocked the door
Tautology.
Well, how much closer?
The comma after "Well" is not needed.
sniffed out about my Young Chemist Kit?
In my opinion, the quotes should be extended to the word "set".
But after all, I always wanted
* wanted to throw
it on the spilled, and included a
comma after the "spilled" is not needed.
The arrow was heading confidently towards twelve
* twelve The
clock began to strike twelve
* twelve to
slide along the icy road, and Magnusson The
comma after the "road" is not needed.
Mayonnaise is not enough for him
* Mayonnaise
She decisively went to the door and, after a moment's hesitation, opened the door
Tautology.
A comma is required after the "hesitation".
clearly will not please, and perhaps even anger.
After "perhaps" a comma is needed.
Magnusson undressed and took off his shoes and went into the room
Change to comma. People
like you are everywhere
Commas before and after "like you" are not needed.
All this, in the end, made me
feel witty. The commas before and after "in the end" are not needed.
* sick of it
- Well, do not go around the bush.
A comma is required after "Well".
“Okay ... Can I pull Magnusson’s photographs out of the closet and burn them all?â€
The comma after "May" is not needed.
He poured into glasses
* poured
it is impossible, and holding down the pedal with might and main
Move the comma one word to the right.
turned the steering wheel, and made
Move a comma one word to the right.
look with Freeman, and the
Comma after "Freeman" is not needed.
however, there was a
comma in his hand after the "however" is not needed.
However, there was SLP
too. The comma after "However" is not needed.
a little sobered up, and a little
comma after "sobered up" is not needed.
Stop acting like a child
The comma after "myself" is not needed.
Except for the noise of water, because of the
Comma after the "water" is unnecessary.
- Ay, yes Magnusson!
The comma after "Ay" is not needed.
quickly exchanged glances, and the
Comma after "exchanged glances" is not needed.
exhorting screeching buried
After the "barking" you need a comma.
Kleiner also called, and the
Comma after "Kleiner" is not needed.
After all, it is
not necessary. The comma after the "ends" is not needed.
OMG, new kament! It would be difficult to think of a cooler gift for the New Year;) ATP for gifts, Sonic and Combin; D
Let him pay with fewer typos.
Alas, it is unlikely to work)) Because of the half-killed Klava ... Although, now I will try to check with a Word - because the number of typos and errors is really incredible ...
I haven't read for so long because of this, I wanted to go to New Year read, but I was distracted!
S, ATP for this approach) Although I thought that you would start reading earlier and finish just by ng - that's why I posted the creo early.
And I last saw a movie in years ... uh, seven years ago, so it’s unlikely.
Wow! I also watch every year, but last year, and because of the creativity I did - and you know, I didn’t get bored, on the contrary, I discovered something new for myself (for example, I just didn’t pay attention to some jokes - HZ why).
Plus Rebellion Linux, MacOS Advisor and MS-DOS Zombie 8.4.
xD +100500 And what is Rebellion? I'm too lazy to look into the dictionary right now, especially since it is not normally set on the new axis ... Maybe you meant Resistance?
And the Eight is non-Vindic, it doesn't have them.
There is not?! Definitely not Windows.
Well, if Kleiner sets up the teleporter in the same state, then Gordon may well end up in the floor.
That's for sure!
Considering the number of comparisons Alix with a pike in this creo is more of a zoophile.
xDDDDDD To the point!
Apparently, in the process of writing, you have looked more than once not only the SLP.
I really wanted to mention more advice from films, but as a result, in my opinion, the most cited were the Magicians, well, Kin-dza-dza a little, and it seems that everything - that is, in fact, not so many , and all just because I only watched the SLP, other films are not advised, I quoted from memory.
But at the beginning, Gordon said that that cremator was an unnamed:
Nameless cremator named Alex, what's not clear)))
* maybe
Freema meant two different cremators%) FDG is engaged in self-promotion!
Yeah;) And just as a reference it will please the readers, I think))
>> Binocle
>> Isn't e superfluous?
damn it, exactly. In my opinion, the word binocle is in English, and it seems to be exactly how it is spelled. And in general, I always associate English words with -le ​​with -l (therefore, for example, I transliterate and say Google as Google).
Although, I will now try to check with a Word - because the number of typos and errors is really incredible ...
There are more punctuation ones. The Vord is too dumb for them.
S, ATP for this approach) Although I thought that you would start reading earlier and finish just by ng - that's why I posted the creo early.
That's what I wanted to do.
And what is Rebellion?
Roughly the same as Resistance. And mod for HL2 more.
Maybe t Resistance meant?
Well yes, but Rebellion sounds cooler.
Well yes, but Rebellion sounds cooler.
Ah, got it.
And mod for HL2 more.
Yes, I saw it on c17.ru, it seems. // by the way, is it still working? * checks * yes, it works
The creativity is super! I read it just on the Old New Year!))) I always had the feeling that I was watching "Enjoy Your Bath" and at the same time reading "Upside Down" =))) Such a story definitely needs to be re-read every time for the New Year. It's a nice combination of Great Film and Great FGD humor! I haven't laughed like that for a long time.)) Well done, author, keep it up * two thumbs up *! By the way, such fanfiction-parodies of films are a great idea;)
Suddenly, I didn't think that someone else would write a comment. Thanks to!
By the way, such fanfiction-parodies of films are a great idea;)
Well, in fact, this idea is even risky, because SLP is still a classic, and people do not like it when they "touch the holy" - they misinterpret distort the meaning and plot, etc. )) SLP-2 is an example of this ... In addition, there was a risk of making the creos too similar to the film (there are a lot of replicas - almost literal quotes from it, not counting the description of what is happening on the TV screen; somewhere before Christmas, once again rereading creos, I even removed a couple of such quotes) - which was facilitated by repeated re-viewing of the film%) But, judging by your comments, I still managed to maintain a balance.
Three years later, I decided to update this creos, just in time for the holidays;) Traditional corrections of typos, errors, some wording ... Well, I translated it to ODF / PDF view, at the same time transferring the creative under the Creative Commons license (in general, I have been planning to " officially "translate everything - starting with" The Noise of the Citadel "- their works under their license, so that in the near future (in a broad sense ...) old themes may be raised). The link to download the "improved and revised" edition in the first post, deleted all the rest, left only the original comment and introduction.
P. S. Suddenly, the Indians made a remake:
https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Love_New_Year
However, they licked the plot, without even thanking ... Revenge: if you have already posted it on torrents, you need to download it so you can only distribute it and not watch it: P Although their version is probably better than Bredometov's version, so it might be worth a look!
UPD: I
completely forgot to mention that I made the content. Creative does not have any clearly marked division at all (I think that it is not needed here ...), therefore I did it as in Half-Jva-Jwa: I gave names to conditional sections, that is, blocks of text separated by empty paragraphs. True, here the number of such "sections" is noticeably larger (at a much smaller size), so the content turned out to be plump, often two sections begin on the same page. In this case, the link and number was given only to the first of them. Still, I hope it turned out quite conveniently.
Now there is also an FB2 version! Added all the options in one archive, updated the link in the first post. FB2 also has content, broken links are in italics.