Twelve Golden Calves (Half-Life 2)

I keep making fun of the classics.
Visually
I guess, just by reading the title of the topic, you have already understood the essence of the creative that I'm going to post here. In a way, this creative is a successor to the ideas of "Irony of Source" and "Half-Jwa-Jwa", i.e., this is a Half-Jwa-Jwa parody, transferring an already existing plot to the Half-Life universe. This time, the legacy of Ilf and Petrov was subjected to bullying: the novels "The Twelve Chairs" and "The Golden Calf". Not so long ago I wanted to get acquainted with their work, and I liked this cycle so much, which tells about the difficult lot of the virtuoso swindler Ostap Bender, that I simply could not resist :)
Although their work, unfortunately, is not studied at school, I think many people know the title of at least the first book, because it has been filmed many times, and both notable film adaptations - Gaidaevskaya and Zakharovskaya - are quite often shown on TV. I have personally watched them many times. Here with the "Golden Calf" somehow did not work out. On the one hand, it is rarely shown here (although, mb, something has changed, I haven’t watched TV for several years), on the other, being a schoolboy, I didn’t like black and white films (although there were exceptions). I didn’t even watch Stirlitz (“Seventeen Moments of Spring”) and filled this gap literally last year - and I must say that this film
Note (it’s hard to call it a “series”, Soviet serial films are too different from American series, in which the general plot develops relatively sluggishly, and there are a lot of side series of the types “to be”, “for fun”, “we don’t know anymore , what to write this damn script about, eat what they give! 11 ")
I was pleasantly surprised: before starting to watch, I sincerely thought that it would be something like the Soviet James Bond or something like that :)
But let's not be distracted, we'll be back to our calves, of which there are exactly twelve. I watched the screen version of The Golden Calf a couple of years ago, and I must say that I liked it more than Chairs, and the actor who played the main role - Sergey Yursky - in my opinion,
But I decided to get acquainted with the original source about six months ago, more precisely, a little earlier. There is a complete collection of their joint compositions on the rutracker. Unfortunately, the era of their joint work - and life in general - did not last so long, and, despite the five-year difference, both died at the age of 39 (Ilf - shortly before World War II from tuberculosis, Petrov - during World War II, his plane was shot down by the Germans), so I have already read the aforementioned collection almost completely (there are still half of the collection of feuilletons and "One-story America" ​​- in the 30s, Ilf and Petrov made an epic road trip around the North American States from one ocean to another and back, and my impressions shaped like a book). If everything had turned out differently, who knows, perhaps the third book of Ostap Bender's adventures would have seen the light of day...
Ilf and Petrov worked in the genre of satire, mostly they wrote feuilletons - something like short stories that ridiculed any vices and shortcomings of their contemporary society. Actually, both “chairs” and “calf” continue this line, they are even sometimes called “feuilleton novels”. Each book is based on the journey of O. Bender with an accomplice / s, so throughout the entire plot he constantly encounters different people, often not examples of morality and decency (many scenes, by the way, were not included in the film adaptation). In addition, the books have a very peculiar style, which definitely influenced the style of this fanfic (I even borrowed some expressions, words and phrases).

If you have read "The Irony of Source" and "Half-Jwa-Jwa", then most likely you understand that you can not expect any special plot twists. As they say, the end is a bit predictable... Nevertheless, this time I will try to take into account the mistakes made when writing previous creatives and try to get rid of the plot of the original, nevertheless, keeping it in general terms.
In addition, having firmly decided to sit down to write a Halfer parody of The Twelve Chairs, I realized that after finishing it, I would simply have to write a sequel, based on the second book. And then I decided to merge both plots together. Thus, this fanfic combines the plot and ideas of "The Twelve Chairs", "The Golden Calf" and the Halfa universe - and all this at the same time (which is why such a name was chosen for the fanfic). On the one hand, this reduces the amount of work - after all, one creative is easier to write than two, on the other hand, it increases the room for maneuver, which means originality. Although you can argue, about the volume - definitely. The further the plot progressed, the clearer it became that the kreos would turn out to be rather big. For six months, I wrote only the first part, which eventually fit into almost 200 kb of pure text,

Actually, it was this first part that I decided to lay out. Because after another design change, PG finally blew the roof off and now it became problematic to post long posts, I had to issue an ODF / PDF release for download:
http://img.playground.ru/images/6/1/12ZT.7Z
This is most likely the "final" version, although I did not begin to add content, I will wash it down next time.
Like the updated DoL, this creative is also released under the Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 4.0 International license.