Jokes (STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl)

write jokes I'm always glad to hear new ones

Three Svoboda men are sitting by the fire. We decided to play Russian roulette. The first one charges, pulls the trigger - a shot. Falls. The second charges, pulls the trigger - also a shot. Falls.
The third looked at the corpses, loaded, fired. The last thought in his brain: Do they play roulette with Makarov?...;

The stalker comes to the merchant:
- Hey, merchant, buy a grenade for 1 ruble.
- Let's.
- Hold on... By the way, I can still sell a check for 10,000 rubles....

Stalker. Screensaver, screensaver, screensaver, screensaver. Menu. New game. Difficulty selection: easy.
Smoothly, along the carpet path, the truck drives up to Sidorovich's bunker. Sexy nurse takes out ammonia.
First mission. The bandits at the motor depot are shooting at each other on the sly. Just in case, 154 flash drives with information from Shustroy are scattered around the motor depot. At the first stash with a jacket there is a billboard with a large inscription "HERE !!!!". The pseudo-dog makes a stand on the hiding place. As a sign of gratitude, Shustry gives an exoskeleton.
Finding a way north. Under the bridge, joyfully waving his arms, stands the Minister of Defense of Ukraine. He wishes you a good journey, offers tea, and gives money for the journey.
Near the Fox's house, the last dog from a running start beats its head against a tree.
Dump. Three bandits stand shoulder-width apart with their hands on the backs of their heads, shoulder-width apart, facing the armored personnel carrier. Car dump. The bandits spread the swag on the path, and shouting "Kandyokhay more fun!" run to the nearest anomaly.
Depot. Drunken bandits sleep on the rails in front of the humming electric locomotive.
Agroprom. Zombies in kokoshniks carry bread and salt, the military cover the clearing.
Bar. All goods cost minus five rubles. The RPG fires in bursts, the gauss cannon aims at the shout "MOCHEE!!!", grenades hit everything within sight that does not look like a player.
Dark Valley. At the entrance Borov with tears of joy and with the keys to the laboratory, the Valley and his apartment. Amber. With shouts of "No need, we'll bring everything ourselves!" the zombies give the player a psi-helmet, documents, a mended and ironed Ghost suit, and a healing Beryl.
Snorks under the control of the crowbar turn off the Burner.
Warehouses. Lukash personally cleans the village with his bare hands.
Radar. All cheat codes are dropped on the player's PDA through the burner. Pripyat. Monoliths in aprons are sweeping the pavement, zombies are painting the grass.
Chernobyl. Everywhere there are signs "The correct ending is here!!"

A drunken stalker returned home crawled home his wife silently looks at him he takes a bolt from the corman and throws it towards the toilet he thought he looked crawled he vomited and crawled towards the bedroom then his wife cracked on the head he quickly crawled out took out a PDA and marked the place of a new anomaly

Gee class, the topic will go)
Here's mine:
3 bloodsuckers met and clogged who will kill more and who will come more bloody. On the first day, the first bloodsucker comes, neck, chest in blood and says:
-Do you see that meat mixed with shreds of their clothes? It was a detachment of bandits of 8 people, they grabbed everyone, so imperceptibly from behind, a minute of kipish and all the dead!
The other two bloodsuckers are like, "Well done, well done, you're very good in cabbage!"
The next day, there are bloodsuckers near Agroprom and the second one comes half covered in blood and says:
-You see the meat with shreds of camouflage? Then I tried, I laid down a whole detachment of special forces! In the forehead went, it turns out they are such cowards!
1st and 3rd bloodsucker "Well, you certainly have them, no one has done this for a long time!"
And a day later 2 bloodsuckers sit, the third one comes all covered in blood and those 2 say to him: -
Well, damn it, this is daeeeeeee, where did you catch such a catch?
3rd says to them:
-Do you see that fence? I didn't notice him...

A stalker walks through the zone and sees a tree with a huge hollow. He puts his head in the hollow, something grabs his head and he is raped. Having freed himself, the stalker puts the entire clip into the hollow and again looks into the hollow. From there a voice: - I knew that you liked it!

Catch another anecdote. A stalker is walking through the zone ... Suddenly he stumbles upon what is left of the newcomer after meeting with the bloodsucker. He took out a PDA and writes: "The stalker died. Vanka Bury. Bloodsucker. Agroindustry. The horror that I saw ... The torso on the road, the head in the ditch ... ditch ... - takes his eyes off the PDA, swings his leg and kaaak kicks on the head, and adds - also on the road ...

Tired of the seasoned stalker wandering around the Zone, he settled on some abandoned summer cottage and took up farming. A young stalker comes to visit him and asks: -
Why are you in the Zone for the third time, how can you not see it, where are you disappearing to?
- Yes, I won’t go to the Zone anymore - I’m tired of the same thing and also started farming, come in and see.
They go into the garden, the young one walks around and is surprised so with delight: -
Wow, what healthy watermelons have never seen such, and the zucchini is finally a class of greens, it’s a marvelous garden, what a nightingale you have, it’s overflowing ... The
experienced stalker sighed and said: -
The garden is like garden: it’s not watermelons, but gooseberries, not zucchini, but peas, and not a nightingale is poured like that, but a geiger counter.

someone else will write

A detachment was sent to the debtor commander.
- Sorry, comrade commander forgot to pull it out ...
- it's your dad who forgot to pull it out

New game. Difficulty level: Grandmaster.
Drunk, hungry, with one percent of the health of Marked, they drop him from a helicopter near Sidorovich's bunker. An ambush is already waiting inside.
The wolf gives five minutes and three bolts to complete the task. He takes away the binoculars and makes him blindfold. The motor depot is dug in, in the trenches there are snorks with machine guns, grenade launchers on the walls. On the roof is an artillery spotter, an aircraft controller, and a sniper with a gauss machine gun. The pseudo-dog has a knife.
The soldiers under the bridge lure the player closer to the line of pillboxes and open fire. Tanks reinforce the success.
Near the ruined house, someone in the voice of the Fox shouts "Fass!". The dogs move in two lines, the first shoots, the second reloads.
Dump. With a cry of "Oh, these are bandits!" stalkers throw grenades at the player.
Depot. Bandits are generated once every two seconds.
Agroprom. Military stalkers cooperate with military bloodsuckers to support service pseudo-dogs.
Dungeon. Anomalies lurk under the ceiling and jump on the player from above. At the end, a radiation chem-jump-shock-burn-crazy-x*their superanomaly awaits. On the controller body armor.
Bar. Wide selection of weapons and ammo. Prices from one billion.
Dark Valley. In the laboratory, the pseudo-giant, giggling meanly, holds the door from the back and does not open it.
Wild territory. Kruglov lost his flash drive somewhere in Pripyat. Asks to go.
Amber. Sakharov mistakenly gives a helmet that AMPLIFIES radiation.
Warehouses. The cook does not drink vodka. In the village, all the bloodsuckers are wearing helmets and body armor of the sixth class of protection.
Radar, Pripyat, Chernobyl. All in the same vein.
Sarcophagus. Complete the game on Super Grandmaster difficulty 666 times to reach the RIGHT ending.

There is a stalker in the Zone and sees a pointing stone.
- You will go to the right and find an artifact...
- You will go to the left and catch a bullet
...

Two stalkers of "freedom" are running away from a group of debtors, there are almost no cartridges left! They were surrounded, one to the other and said:
- Well, everything is KHANA to us!
The second answers:
- No! Not Khan! Shoot their leader!!!
He fires a burst at the head of the main "debtor", he falls dead.
First:
- And what now?!
Second:
- And now EXACTLY KHAN!!!

Burer diary:
On July 4, the Americans came with their super technologies, broke into our bunker in 4 hours, fed us hamburgers. It was delicious, but not for everyone. They ate the Americans.
On August 2, the Japanese came with their nano technologies, broke into our bunker in 2 hours, fed us sushi, it was delicious, but not for everyone. They ate the Japanese.
On September 10, Dolgovtsy came, with the help of a crowbar and some of their mothers, they broke into our bunker in 2 minutes. They fed us with lead. It was not tasty, but enough for everyone.

Here's more. Winnie the Pooh, Cheburashka, Stirlitz and Petka gathered with Vasily Ivanovich in the ZONE.
Winnie the Pooh:
-I will find artifacts, sell artifacts, buy honey!
Stirlitz:
-I'll find the artifacts, put my "fingers" on them and put the radio operator Kat in her bra.
Vasily Ivanovich (thoughtfully): -
I'm swimming in Pripyat.
Cheburashka (looking at photos of mutants):
-Ba! Yes, everyone is here!

two Svobodovites dumped from a platoon of Dolgovtsev. They look, there is a haystack and next to it is the corpse of a pseudo-dog,
well, one hid in a haystack, and the second put on a skin
.
And the Svoboda portrays a type of mongrel -Bow
- wow , the
Dolgovites neigh: -Tuzik
aport, the one behind
the stick, drags
the Dolgovtsy neighing: : -I saw everything in the zone, but for the pseudo-dog to f * sing a stick and yelp at it, this is something !!!!

I caught a stalker warrior on the perimeter:
- Right now, I'll show you how to climb into the Zone !!!
- Ffuh, thank God, otherwise they catch me for the 3rd time!

Memories of a bloodsucker:
Good day - A pseudo-giant broke into the village, tried to break into our basement,
got stuck in the aisle - * bang the whole flock.
A wonderful day - a poltergeist flew into the village, materialized unsuccessfully and
got stuck in the wall f * sing out - * balled with the whole flock.
Rainy day - Damn, how could I get stuck in that window ...

Catch the joke.
Suitable means the stalker to the monolith. That one to him
- Make a wish.
- I want the Zone to disappear.
- No, you screwed up. Ask for something easier.
- Well, then make sure that Sidorovich does not cheat when trading.
- So what did you say about the Zone? ..