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Metal Boss 0xE 06.02.20 12:33 pm

Anekdota. (The Witcher)

Post jokes in the Witcher.
38 Comments
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Erysipelas 06.02.20

SoNik Grey +1 : )))

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SoNik Gray 06.02.20

Is presented so the Herald from the other world, covered in Golden robes, with a cool sword, a bag full of gems. Then from the back ran up to him the other wizards, jammed on the head, kicked all take. The wolf jumps up and runs, catching up with him and the full programe add. Then stack on a cart, and taken to kaer Morhen.
Herald: - and-and-And... Where am I? I don't remember anything...
Eskel: - Well... uh-uh, I mean, lie still! You're in good hands!

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S.V.A.E.I.G. 06.02.20

Ah-ha-ha!
Yennifer tells how he met with the Herald:
- I come back by night to his home after drinking. Look near the entrance there is a drunk snipe the Herald with the silver sword and tells me that I'm not allowed in the vault until morning, to break the spell of me. Of course, I was not painted, but he called me a Princess.

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S.V.A.E.I.G. 06.02.20

Another, though not about the witch, but the subject matter.
Decided the Emperor Nilfgaard Emhyr van Emrys White Flame with magic to get CRIS and was summoned by a powerful mage. He put a large mirror and began to read the spell. Suddenly, the image in the mirror began to twitch and was seen well. From it emerged a terrible girl through the mirror, podolska to the magician and says:
- 7 days!
The mage was frightened and stole her spell back. Frightened Imgur asks the magician:
-Who you called, I told that you called CRIS!
-Excuse me, the Emperor. I was just skonzentrirovatsia on a little girl from trouble.

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Arbalet 06.02.20

who's in the picture? (on the right, not the left)

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S.V.A.E.I.G. 06.02.20

And I did not notice that striga something similar to Theon of m/f Shrek?

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Metal Boss 0xE 06.02.20

%) it seems not...

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S.V.A.E.I.G. 06.02.20

Siegfried came to the Grand Master.
- Grand Master, take me to the Order of the flaming rose.
The Grand Master was in the scrap. But to deny the request, he
did not, and said:
- Yeah, well, I'll take you to the order. But I'm not taking students right now.
Come back next year.
Siegfried is gone. But a year later returned.
- Grand Master, take me to the order.
The Grand master frowned and said:
Yeah, I'll take you to the order. but for this you need to work on yourself.
For 3 years every morning, behold as the sun rises, and every
night behold as it sits.
Siegfried is gone. But after 3 years it returns.
- The Grand Master! Three years every morning I watched the sun rise
and every evening as it sets. Take me to the order.
"Yes," said the Great master.-But first you have to learn how to hang
at a height of 5 meters from the ground.
Siegfried is gone. But after 5 years returned.
- The Grand Master. 5 years every day, I dedicated myself to training, and
now I can hover above the ground, said Siegfried and hung
at a height of 5 meters from the ground.
- No x%myself!!! - said the Great master...
(changed old joke about kung-fu)

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Denistwo 06.02.20

the picture this man is Eugene from my favorite band RANETKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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S.V.A.E.I.G. 06.02.20

Geralt thought for a long time, who choose Shani or Triss. I thought and thought... and Decided to ask Buttercup, he offered him a drink. They drank all evening and all night, the next morning, Geralt asks:
- So who do I choose?
- IK! What is there to think, choose red!

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m1khal 06.02.20

Geralt died and Buttercup came to the last court.
The voice of God:
Well, Geralt?! Pogresila?! The pet innocent drenched, his wife cheated?!
Here's my punishment! Going to live with it!
And appears old and ugly operaa!
Geralt began to cry, but nothing to do...
Buttercup is sitting and shaking from fear, thinks:
Well, Geralt in sravneniya me almost a Saint... What can I be?!
Then there is this gorgeous mermaid! Beauty your eyes, all!
And slyshetsya the voice of God:
Well, that fool?! Gogrichiani?! You now live with it!

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Zmey K 06.02.20

the picture this man is Eugene from my favorite band RANETKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not human.
Ranetki and not a group.

And the difference I found. The left red.

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VIP_BUMER_777 06.02.20

lol

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Romanson19 06.02.20

left beautiful.right even prettier XD

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Sylik 06.02.20

Romanson19
left beautiful.right even prettier XD
And you fellows that smoke? ;-)

Somehow Imgur went hunting and stumbled upon a sleeping bear. The young Emperor was not afraid (stupid was still young), and, bravely brandishing a sword in front of the muzzle of the animal, he shouted into his ear:
- Preved, Medved!
The bear woke up and roared spasm in protest.
The Emperor continued boldly to wail:
My name is Yozh! But for friends I just Joeyg! Kagdila???
The bear, unable to bear the mental and verbal attack of a young autocrat, in terror, began to back away into the bushes, but there it was - Imgur ran after him, shouting 'Wait! I now want to be friends with will!'
But pausegame bear waited by a sad fate, he fell in disguised the pit with sticks and died as a hero in the Prime of life and glory.
When Emhyr returned to the Palace and told the sad story of his father, he was, on second thought, and for a second not believing a stupid story, are only given a brief:
KG/AM.
You know,sad,stupid anegdot,bear mind...

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Sylik 06.02.20

How to screw in a light bulb... is a real sense of humor. So...
...the Witcher - will not twist until he gets paid and only in the case that the diode would not be a reasonable being,
...Dijkstra - intimidate the bulb so that it will forget, what 'out',
...CRIS - just to find the dimension where the light bulb is already screwed,
...Of silentreatment - twists Thea, yet vey with your favorite dragon...
...Buttercup, smash the light bulb, and Geralt will have иск4ать new
...Regis - and the Fig vampire friendly?
...tion of'Tael', smash the light bulb, because it is not like any elves, nor dwarves,
...Grand Lodge in Montecalvo by fraud, and the subtle intrigue to convince all and Sundry that light, in fact, never got out.
- , Jennifer - light for her - too small, will stick to the ceiling, a chandelier of Chizhevsky, but still make it so that she will smell lilac and gooseberries...
...Sapkowski - he would read different peoples all instructions screwing in of light bulbs, would create one, sold it to large print runs and scored on the bulb itself. Or rather prostebalsya would have all the instructions, issued this banter in huge numbers, and then created his light bulb, and such that all just marveled. And screw it would provide critics and fans.
...Krasnolud will tighten the bulb a minimum of four (to no one in duplicity not suspected) and voorujenii sticks. Each one better than the other knows how to change a lightbulb, and proves it with a stick. The process ends with a General massacre and a broken light bulb.
...The Emperor Nilfgaard - create a paramilitary conveyor system screwing light bulbs within the Empire (group of troops 'Light'), parallel to let the punitive expedition in enemy territory - povykruchivatsya there all lapochki to edrene hair dryer (group troops 'Fuck you light').
...Bonart - hard-boiled with pleasure, no matter who and no matter where.
...Triss Merigold - screw in the bulb, then to a few years to remind her about it until the light bulb will burn out from despair and guilt
...The vampire Regis - broke out a long and detailed lecture from the history of Solar paganism and ending with a biography of Edison. Do not bypass the attention and the erotic aspect, having in mind the structure and form of the bulb, as well as the actual process of screwing. Light bulb install will forget, but by that time all will already do not care.
...Enchantress Vienna - wound on the light and stick the broken light bulb. Looking for one that turned and left fifty years ago...
...The king Esterad Thyssen - sell a box of light bulbs to the society of the blind, forcing them to twist on their own - previously propped up crucialstep tax.
...Rats - Screw the bulb extremely. effective group effort. And the night will be drunk to pig squeal and all the lights will kill. Hooligans because.
...Milva - swearing, smash the light bulb on his head close. It is generally a nutcase.
... CRIS will get screwed Bonarta light bulb. Bonarta kill.
Really stupid and the same is not what I think

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Sipay 06.02.20

/jokes ON the GAME/

Geralt of Rivia was very fond of pretty girls. Girls, however, regularly reminded him about the promise to marry. So the Witcher and ill famous memory loss.

The witch liked to repeat that he is out of politics, just not negotiating: while gold does not just settle.

In jail, moaning and counting napoletane edges, the Witcher is still recognized that to sing in the Imperial Palace for an audience with a ditty Peace in the fields nilfgaardskogo country, Imgur Emperor crapped my pants! was not the wisest action.

Geralt was very worried because of derisive comments about unchanging name his horses Roach. Say, lack of imagination, poor inner peace and stuff... Made an effort, stiffened... and called the new Mare Redeye.

Ask the witch why he's always on the money, new gear, horse harness plated? He thought: Well, where the clean out houses, palaces and restaurants, sell the stolen canvas, leather, chain, broken rakes, cups, wine, fisstech and jewels... Her, to respect the cease! and let's not lie, that carries out orders to eliminate magistralnih monsters and gets a bunch of gold...

Geralt returned from Skellige mad as hell at the sight of women islanders spitting, swearing with the effort to control. Roche, of course, asked about the reasons for such intolerance. The Witcher fury: Yes, you know, the beauty of Keris EN krayt promised: if it will be supported at the election of the king will present me a gift of her greatest treasure. I, old fool, dreaming, helped her to take the throne. In the evening they come in a clean shirt with wine, flowers and chocolates, relying on a magical night - and this ... redneck gives me the certificate of ownership of a herd of two thousand sheep!!!!!.

After the struggle for a healthy lifestyle Triss was thrown from saddle bags and Geralt has smashed two boxes mahakassapa alcohol, poor old witch began to collect in the surrounding forests hop cones to freshen the nip at least a beer.

Wow, Geralt, you just blow my mind! dreamy evaluated foulbrood its ballooning head...

Druid Misour carefully concealed their identity animage. Because the process of turning the majestic wise old man in greasy gray mouse brought down the fun of others.

That was over the Summer... - melancholically Geralt sighed, wiping his sword after a duel with the Witcher school of the Snake.

- And my father has Black! proudly announced Geralt Skalicky little boy.
Boy, you have not been taught political correctness? - strictly asked the Witcher.

- Why Lugos Jr. has a nickname Blue? - puzzled asked Geralt.
- Why-why... Because nobody's seen him sober! - answered Misour.

Geralt, honey. At the funeral feast for king bran I forbid you to drink. And when we do, stop drinking completely! (Yennefer).
That's the last folly Ian, what I have suffered. The Genie, cut the hell out of our destiny!!!! (Geralt).

While in Skellige, Geralt every night went to training to shchitnik clan Drummond's surprise an of Kraits and Yennefer, do not understand the reasons for the suit to work out in such a romantic time of day. The secret was very simple: Geralt heartily practiced not shchitnik and wanizame clan Drummond...

Give a powerful leap from the feudal relations directly to absolute monarchy!! (Sverige Bran).
I'm sorry, but from local farmers is not even secondary education and a Marxist jumping between formations threat: on the fork lift. Offer to sell the island of Nilfgaard and dump! (Byrne Bran).

What? I'm the king!? Cool!!! Whigs, where are the guys? As all killed?!?! Oh, and the head reels... (Hjalmar).
Wait, ex-husband of hers, about to become the Empress if you nilfgaardskogo in hospital compulsory treatment for alcoholism... (CRIS).

Old Vesemir comes to the Supreme druid Council. Complains about the mess in the kaer Morhen. The castle of heaps of garbage, dilapidated stairs, the furniture is falling apart, the walls after the attack of the salamanders no repairs, witches evil and unkempt, money for the beasts drink, and it would be better updated swords with banderowcy... Listened to his druid, frowned, and passed a sentence: Marry you all loafers must go!!!.

In the official historical records, the king of Redania logged in as His Royal Majesty, terror of heretics, Hammer of the witches, King Radovid V Fierce.
It is named simply the paranoid.

After the destruction of the witch - Mistresses of the Forest has dried up and a huge oak tree that gave a wonderful acorns. Angry pigs Velen sent the Emperor a letter demanding to stop vidimce desecration of the ecosystem.

When the witch wanted something outrageous, they opened the window of the castle and asked CRIS enable her Voice towards the mountains. Each time the result was unexpected: the slide killed by the collapse of the mountain goats (lunch!), it will bring a granite Troll (the materials!). Or embarrassment - a landslide will happen, then a week to clear the road to civilization.

The Witcher sighed, killing five hundred and ninety-three wolves. But because of the war, the Krone exchange rate has fallen for oreny/Floreni even in the face of, markets more expensive of food and alchemical ingredients. Instead of performing vadimchik orders round the clock had stuck in the woods and get the raw meat with dog fat.

Geralt of Rivia is not particularly fond of heavy armor. Wants to cross a river - armor pulling to the bottom, then decide to dry off by the fire - hot metal burns your ass.

The transfer of the winery Corvo Bianco in property Geralt of Rivia was the first item on the sinister plan, code-named Drunken Witcher.

Boiling Geralt on the soul, he comes to the Princess of Toussant and says:
- From knights your no good there! Monsters Yes the bandits I'm fighting one, and these noble all day on horses ride, piknichki satisfied Yes songs. Deprive them the hell out of salary and deducted from class!
- Yes, I know, - sighs the Princess, but take away my TV privileges, so these bespoleznye still will not work (because they do not know how to do), and go Rob. It's better to let the number of knights of the Principality...

Geralt comes home in the evening, and pounced on him an angry Triss: the Rascal! Explain WHERE in a brothel (!!!) took a portrait of you, completely Nude?!. Witcher, thoughtfully scratching his head: please explain, sweetheart, what are you doing in a brothel?!.

Princess Anne-Henriette was very disappointed, inviting Geralt glamorous-Bohemian evening in the club Mandrake. Instead of the expected lecherous flirting behind masks, appreciating the richness of the mansion, the Witcher all night scraped out of the chests of gold and jewels, and then ran to look for the fence.

- Know, - began Regis - that Muscente lives a powerful vampire named Hidden...
- What kind of nickname is Hidden? To find it, no one can? - surprised the witch.
- Finding it easy, but who he a shit? explained Regis.

The preacher came to Regis and mournfully asks: What are you, a vampire killed my brother in his blood, Detlaff?. Regis explains: what else to do, Reverend, if Toussant screaming Oh no, my heart is broken!!! day and night is worn, crazed romantic, killing right and left all the people in the name of their depression? First, in vain exhausts the food sources. Second, it interferes with sleep!.

Geralt comes to the river Bank, sees: there is a circle group utoptsev and something discussing, gesticulating. Geralt coughed, politely touches the extreme shoulder.
- I'm sorry for the trouble! May I cut in?

Poor guy! How do you there are three of us on a desert island with no women?! - sympathetically asked Geralt of three brothers Grossbart.
The brothers somehow was very embarrassed...

We serve The one that forever virgin, Mother and old Woman! - solemnly announced Geralt resident of Skellige.
Oh, the trouble with these Islands, not one adequate girl, alone stoned! bored witch.

Yennifer in anger - Geralt: You have been sleeping with my friend!!! How are you going to get out of this situation?!!
The Witcher thought: Well, the most right now would be to marry her....

Countess Oriana - Geralt: Well, how are you going to punish me? Kill?!
Witcher, unbuttoning the shirt: There are more humane methods of re-education of vampires..

Buttercup - Geralt: Jennifer's waiting for you at the brothel GIMP Catarina....
Geralt: She still can't get the work book?!....

Said Philip Algart when the witch caught her in the baths of Dijkstra, tried to calm:
1. Away, and not kill!!!
2. Young man, what are You doing?!
3. Oh... Geralt, get your hand off my breast!

Triss - Geralt: Say, you married me because you love or by calculation?!.
Geralt: How could you think that I'd be interested in pathetic detail: the mansion in the capital of the Kingdom of Kovir, the judicial immunity of the husband of a Royal Advisor and your annual income?!

After talking with CRIS White Coldness returned home in silence and never went out, opening the door just a personal proctologist. Rumors that the Eldest heir of Blood pushed the Coldness in anus them all damaged worlds.

Why Shani didn't marry Geralt?
Because she was aware of the promiscuity of the Witcher and as a doctor, knew the risks, given the imperfection of medieval methods of treatment of love ailments.

It was decided at the tavern three drunken to check who among them is steeper. One podrazumevaetsya: my name is Borch Three Jackdaws!. The second says: I am Geralt the Sword Two!. And I'm Buttercup Square Trinomial! proudly the poet said, and I thought, that's handy for a higher education...

Oh, how rapidly primitiveservlet and vulgarized world - sadly thought Geralt. - Noble knight Eyck from Denesle raced through the valleys and on the hills at the proud horse, with spear, attacking dragons. And his son Siegfried, covered in feces, chases in the sewers for some kind of lizard...

Geralt asked again: And could you be alone with the dragon?!. The Witcher answered: Well, if the evening with Saskia - I....

In the Lok Muine Geralt asked question on the advice of the lords and sorcerers: What are you, unconsciously, let go of the person Sheal de Tancarville?!. The Witcher patiently explained: Because of her efficiency above: a lady after all, one can feel nice to hold, and you, noble men, will get only useless hearsay about politics....

Talked to the witch with a mysterious rune Master, sitting in BRONOWICE the altar and reporting on the belief in one God, who is able to give the person or objects nevidannoy force and power that searches for and develops master the most powerful ways of enchantment, weapon rune stones. Found out from Ophir merchant that you need to continuously strengthen the cultural ties between Nations that Offer no separation of faith and science. Examined the range of unprecedented foreign goods.
Thought Geralt, and reported the temple Guards and the merchant group of Novigrad on illegal business activities, hidden proselytism, and even industrial espionage...

The coroner is a vampire inspired printed in the printing Eternal Flame bundle of the Sermons not indifferent, scattering them throughout the city. In his Wake walked... no, not wizards, and collectors of waste paper. Soon Novigrad filled with cheap toilet paper...

Landing nilfgaardskogo fleet in tatters smashed the disparate militias of Skellige. Then comes Geralt in prison to king Hjalmar and asks: How so? The exploration of the continent has been repeatedly sending you reports that the number of soldiers only one fleet in -TSAT times the number of inhabitants of Skellige, the same with arms and tables of the comparative in the confirmation sent? What the hell are you on Nilfgaard war went?.
Good riddance with your reports and tables for Hjalmar, - I'm still to read or not know how to count!.

Yennefer of Vengerberg wanted to overcome her infertility and become a mother. First I decided to use for this purpose the blood of the Golden dragon - did not work. Then decided to catch the Jinn and order him your pregnancy is also a bummer. Tired of Geralt these medieval-peasant methods and ordered it to Yennefer treatment Centre family Planning and Reproduction (Tspsir) in Moscow. Immediately the problem was solved. Because science is cooler than magic! :)

What started Your collecting vedmini, Madam? - Geralt asks the Countess Menial. The blushes: Yes, from that time, as Vesemir, escaping from my angry father, left on the memory great pants School Wolf....

And another thing - open up the Regis, after the seventh Cup of brew from Mandrake, he married you, Geralt, Countess Oriana... Gorgeous woman and character? She's on hands will wear!....

Oneiromancy Corina Tilly discusses Pribaikal Sarah his nightmares and says: Well, you scared me decently, but for the last one before awakening a dream in which I was passionately fond of well-built blond man, I forgive you..
... Geralt tried to quietly slip out of the room...

... and Skelligs seas
To old Vizim -
All this is our land,
All of this - of us.
(C) the Emperor Nilfgaard Emhyr var Emrys.

Was Hjalmar king of Skellige. Reflects on the throne aloud: All I have is courage, honor, loyal friends, brave warriors! But something was missing....
The voice of a Keris from the next room: BRAINS. The brain is not enough, brother!.

No good, no evil, no hatred, only pain!!! - the Quillan and howled, brandishing a sword.
The addict GALLERIES? - dodging, on the exhale, asked Geralt.

Vesemir in kaer morhen in: At midnight I'll take Mind the mountains....
Yennefer: what? Together will howl at the moon?.
Vesemir angrily: Cholera, how did you know?.

Geralt is the night before the battle with the Wild Hunt, Caer morhen before the three bedrooms: Triss, Yennefer and Queyras. And maturing the mind's eye of the fiery lettering on each door: friends To go - blame yourself!. He waved his hand in frustration and went to get a couple of shots with the wizards.

Snowday Corina Tilly indignantly asks priborki Sarah: Well, what is it? Twenty times everyone has dreams show! Stupefied customers or what?. Sarah, a critical glance at the friend Button up your blouse three buttons up here... and change the skirt slit to the waist for something more modest....

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Sipay 09.12.21

The witches from the Krivoukhovy Bogs dreamed of seeing a festive dish on the night of the Sabbath - "Ivasik under pivasik" ...