Funny stories and funny incidents from life
There is one company in which there is a copycat guy (whoosh, by the way, he has a dog (because everyone is chasing him)). He repeats everything after everyone. Once they went to the beach and one of them put a ring on his index finger, they say, so as not to lose it when he goes swimming, and let's repeat the imitator right there. He put his ring on his index finger, but tightened it higher, to be sure. After 40 minutes of diligent attempts to remove the ring from the already drooping and blue finger, they went to the hospital and sawed the ring.So it goes.
The first time I tried alcohol.
My grandfather told me, since I was then 2-3 years old - I don’t remember. Fellow soldiers came to grandfather, covered the clearing, they sit - they remember. On the edge of the table there was a bubble of pepper and a glass with poured pepper, I go to my grandfather, I take this glass, my grandfather still pinned himself: don’t drink without a snack, but I thought it was soda, and grabbed it, - my mouth gaped and yelled ... Pinocchio soda "- there was one in the USSR, and peppercorns were produced in the same bottle.
I recalled one terribly stupid case.
I was resting at the sea, at the recreation center, and once I went to the toilet out of need. I closed my house with an ordinary lock and a hanging one (the key to this lock was in one copy). There was no toilet in the house. I had to go to public. During one trip, I managed to drop the key in a push ... That day from 8:00 to 18:00 there was no water ... After 10 minutes, I left the toilet, washed the key and my hands. (I have never seen such assorted shit in my life)
Moral: be careful and watch your things... especially in places with high shitty.
)))
Balda716
A similar situation was in childhood. During one feast, while the parents were not looking, some crazy relative thought it would be very funny to give a glass of vodka to a 5-year-old boy. I still remember this pain. The stomach burned - as many as tears welled up.
How the children sorted out the financial system
Spoiler The social studies teacher asked the kids to prepare business plans. The school is a model of the state. And the fifth-graders took up their homework as zealously as ever. And here is the lesson, presentations.
The bulky honors student, beyond her age, laid out in detail how she would arrange a food plant. A nimble red-haired boy outlined fantastic prospects for the transformation of the school transport system: there are elevators, escalators, and rickshaws. A gloomy neat guy, not at all like a crazy IT specialist, made a cool report on the system of automation, access control, accounting and control based on the school computer network. The lively merry girl talked about the production of shoes for all teachers, schoolchildren, and even for export.
And now, a thin, modest girl with an open face and kind eyes comes to the blackboard.
‒ All of you, ‒ she tells her classmates, ‒ started your business plans with the words "I'll take a loan from the bank." So, I open a bank.
A restrained rumble of admiration and envy swept through the ranks: and how did they not think it out themselves?
‒ My conditions are the following, ‒ the girl continues, ‒ everyone can take any amount at 20% per annum.
‒ Like any? And a million is possible, - the typical Vovochka, a bully and a repeater, dozing on the back desk to the point of anecdotal, threw up his head.
‒ At least a billion. At least a hundred billion. But keep in mind - at the end of the year, this money will need to be paid back with interest. Whoever does not give it back, I take away the property.
‒ Cho, will you take away the entire business? - she was indignant, alley cheeks, a fat excellent student.
- Of course not! I'll just take the missing part, no more.
‒ Normal conditions. Even excellent ones, - the IT specialist deliberately rapped out, looking up from the calculator, - I agree.
Behind him, everyone nodded their voices - everyone liked such a kind and generous bank.
- Well, - the quiet "banker" continued, - at the beginning of the year I will give out a mountain of money. But no matter how much I donate, 100% of the money covers 100% of the school business. And at the end of the year I will demand a return of 120% of the money issued. Mountain and plus another fifth of the mountain. And you have only a mountain in your hands, 20%, which I will demand from above, does not exist in nature. So, according to the results of the year, I will take 20% of the school.
In a year, someone will be able to collect 120% of the money, and someone will be able to collect 400%. But this means that the other does not have even half of what is necessary to repay the debt. But it is not important. It is important that in any case, as soon as you agreed to take a loan, you gave me 20% of the school.
Next year - another 20%. Etc. Well, by the tenth grade, I will be the sole owner of the school. Today you dream of well-being, business, success, development. And by the tenth grade you will become my slaves and I will decide who will live and who will starve to death.
The class is silent. The teacher clapped her crooked eyes in confusion. Someone's cell phone vibrated incredibly loudly in a bag.
‒ Nafig such a bank, ‒ the repeater Vovochka was the first to come to life, ‒ we can manage without a bank.
‒ Exactly! ‒ the shoe business sparkled with hope, ‒ we can manage without banks and money, we will exchange our goods and services for each other by barter.
– And how will you pay for the ice cream, – the “banker†was sincerely surprised, – will you break off the heel from your boot and give it back? How are you going to pay your employees? Kedami? So they will have no time to work - they will spend days looking for that baker who needs sneakers to buy a bun with jam. Look, ask Dasha, ‒ the “banker†nodded at the excellent catering student, ‒ she agrees to accept payment with sneakers.
‒ And we will write receipts to each other! - found an IT specialist.
‒ Good idea, ‒ the “banker†nodded in agreement, ‒ and in three days everyone will have a stack of notes: “I gave Kolya a chairâ€, “Vasya gave me a ride on the escalatorâ€, “I took Anya’s sneakers†... So what? How then to deal with all this?
The class was quiet again. The pale-faced teacher nervously twirled the bracelet on her wrist, looking absently at the downcast class, then at the calm and sweet lecturer with kind eyes.
‒ This, ‒ Vovochka suddenly got up, banging his chair, ‒ Ivanova, but surely the school will belong to you?
"Of course," the girl shrugged. It's elementary.
‒ Then it's... ‒ Little Johnny sniffled, fingered the characteristic calluses on the knuckles of his fists and tried to find words, ‒ Ivanova, take me to work. If someone will not pay his debts, I will help. Yeah? And I don't need much. You give me a computer class (IT specialist twitched, but said nothing), I'll make a play area there.
- Well, - the "banker" immediately agreed, - you will be a law enforcement agency.
- No, - Vovochka murmured, - let's rename ... Let it be "Special Forces"!
The “banker†nodded once more and turned to the not-so-cheerful merry girl:
“Annechka, why do you need to be in the shoe business, which you will lose anyway? You want to gain, not lose, right? So, I'll give you 10% of the school.
- What should I do? ‒ Anya asked cautiously, sensing another catch.
“You see, I don’t really want to work. Therefore, you will work for me. All this fuss - to take into account the money, to give out ... Suddenly, in the middle of the year, someone wants to take another loan? So I'll give you money at 20% per annum. And you will distribute them at 22%. Your share is 10% of mine, everything is fair.
‒ Can I give out not at 22%, but at… How much do I want? - the merry girl cheered up.
- Certainly. But don't think that the school will be yours. So, you will give money at 33%, and in three years the school will seem to be yours. However, you took money from me at 20%, which, as you remember, does not exist in nature. And the school will still be mine in five years. And I'll give you your 10%, and you won't get it yourself. Understand? I am the hostess.
‒ Fuck such a hostess, ‒ the excellent student gurgled through her full cheeks and immediately received a powerful slap from Vovochka.
‒ MarPalna, ‒ the “banker†turned to the teacher peacefully turning green in a semi-conscious state, ‒ don’t be upset. I will give you a big salary. You only teach everyone that this is how it should be, that there is no other way. Tell the children that if you work hard and work hard, you can achieve success, become rich. You see, the more they work, the faster I will get rich. And the better you will powder the brains of students, the more I will pay you. It's clear?
A spark of consciousness and hope flashed in the eyes of the teacher, she nodded often and small, faithfully looking at the fifth-grader.
The life-saving bell sounded.
kramola.info
How I drowned.
My grandfather told me, since I was then 2-3 years old - I don’t remember.
In the spring it was a thaw. They dug up our street - they repaired the water supply, then they buried it, and it looked like snow, but it melted.
We went for a walk with grandfather, I with radishes, grandfather with cigarettes. We walked past that pit, my grandfather stopped to light a cigarette: he lit it, he looked - I wasn’t anywhere, he put his hand into this pit, found me, pulled me by the scruff of the neck, put me on the ground, and I stand and yell, and I don’t let go of the radish from my hands, mother her...
There was a military instructor at our school, he had a favorite phrase: Alexander the Great knew how to do three things at the same time - solve strategic problems, compose poetry and masturbate.
Balda716
We also had (and still have) a military leader. very cheerful at school. He called everyone "H * r Walrus". Usually, after this phrase, he said: "... Get out of order ...". In general, he is a super man, besides Polkan (Colonel).
ingvar_taver
And our voivode is a sensible man, and warriors they are generally sensible men in life.
And he repeated that phrase like a banter over a fined cadet.
"H * r Walrus" is a well-known Russian expression, we hear it, so to speak.
Bayan, but the pipets neighed:
SpoilerYesterday I crap right in the city center. And this one is not funny, a healthy man put on full pants. And it was like this, I was walking down the street, not touching anyone, and then I wanted to fart. And on the street, but on a frosty day, God himself ordered to give soot. And I love this business all the more, give it gas, I'm still an expert in this business. When I let gases at home, the burners go out from the air pressure.
So, I decided to fart. He farted when he was farting, already then he realized that he had farted the pile.
I flock and shit right in my pants, and I can’t do anything about it. Gamno climbs on its own, without even asking me for permission for this process.
I was always surprised why when you gray at home, you calmly gray in portions. He squeezed a hundred grams out of himself, and cut it off just once, then turned the page in the newspaper, ran through the headlines and again squeezed out the partial katyashok. When you get dirty in your pants, then there can be no talk of any portioned extrusion of feces. Zhona stupidly opens and gamble climbs. Moreover, she opens so wide that I have the impression that, without my consent, she is participating in the competition “lift the katyag with a diameter of 30 centimeters and win a mobile phone.†The question is, on x ... my wife's mobile phone?
I shit on my estimates, seriously. I stand, already sweating, the very center of the city, to the house as if to Moscow on my knees. I stand, and I myself try to find a way out in my head, something must be done. Waddling on foot for about three hours, and this is with full gogna panties, cut off this thought right away. Patom, I figured out the frost on the street, let me think I’ll sit down on a bench, it will freeze, and then I’ll go to the subway, and so I’ll get to the house in dashes. I sat down on a bench and I'm sitting, it's warm inside. And then the thought, if gogno in shorts freezes, the skiff will pass the same to the eggs. I even felt sick at the thought. Got up. People bypass me, it’s clear that they understood what I was thinking. And I stand and I can’t figure out how. Then a brilliant idea came to me. I’ll go into the entrance now, get into the elevator, take off my shorts there, wipe them with them and go home quickly.
So, I go to the entrance, I call the elevator. I’m standing, but it’s already starting to cool down, the sensations, frankly, are not great. At the entrance, I realized one more thing, it really stinks from me like unwashed cattle, and it stinks a lot. The elevator arrived, I go in, I press the button for the fourteenth floor, and with the second hand I unbutton my pants, well, so that there would be enough time until the elevator arrives. The doors began to close and then a cute female creature flies into the elevator. Styts p ....
- Oh, you're on the 14th floor, and I'm on the 13th, - she sang
- Well, I'll ride with you, then I'll go down to the floor. Of course we'll drive, I already pressed the button, I thought, buttoning my pants.
The elevator went, and everything was already in my head, there was noise in my head, my back was sweating, and the gogno had already completely cooled down.
And I think that it started to stink in the elevator very strongly, because this creature looked at me somehow strangely. And I got frostbitten, like I didn’t have to shit in the elevator and that’s it. - I understand that yes, - I'm pretending to be an intellectual. And I myself think what to do, with my gomno and with my dirty wife. And something needs to be done.
And b... p... where that floor on the 10th elevator made us a big curtsey, said goodbye to us, and the lights went out. I almost screwed up again. The elevator is stuck.
- Oh, is the elevator stuck? the girl asked. And then this Khivrya, presses some button, and starts talking to someone, giving the address of the house and asking for help. I imagined that fitters would come right now, they would start to take us out of here, asking for help, it stinks so badly, I wanted to shit even more. It's dark in the elevator, gouge out your eyes. And then I realized that while it was dark in the elevator, I had to quickly take off my pants, then take off my shorts and put them in a quiet corner. And when the light is turned on, she will see something out of habit. I unbutton my pants, rustling things so that even the most scared. "What are you doing?" She asked, swallowing hard.
- Yes, I'm getting comfortable, it's a long time to wait, - and I lower my pants myself
- And what is this smell? - she asked frightened. I almost blurted out that it was me who fucked up on the street and that I stink of gogno sho p ... but I give out something else:
- Yes, the bastards shit in elevators, I can’t breathe, - and I’ve already completely taken off my pants, I’m standing in the elevator in crap shorts. I thought that right now they would turn on the light, the girl would really give up on what she saw. But there is nothing else to do, I keep working.
The girl began to swallow saliva very loudly, the same crap is visible from fright.
And I rustle things.
I myself think to myself how to contrive and quietly take off my panties. And then the wives imagined what the stink would be.
“Man, you won’t hurt me, I beg you, don’t touch me,†the girl whined in her voice.
- What are you, in your mind, I'm the father of two children, I'm going to a friend on an important issue, how could you think this about me? b ... how it stinks gomno when you piss in your pants. It stinks not like in the toilet, it stinks so that the flies lose consciousness on the approach, then they turn around in the intensive care unit for another week. The girl, the same felt something was wrong, began to whine quietly in the corner.
“Come on, I won’t touch you,†I say. And he himself has already unfastened his underpants from his wife, and I think how to take them off my feet so as not to get smeared in gogna?
The girl went to my mazgam in general, stupidly sits whining and what she is lamenting, probably reading some thread of prayer. And I have already lowered my panties.
- A man .. yyyyy, Anna roars, - I ask you not to kill, - and then such a stupid whining.
- Yes, I need you in FIG, I say, - you have problems up to your throat, you surrendered to me.
I lowered my panties just below the knee, and I really understand that I’m full of pipets, my legs are in a gogne, my wife is in a gogne and the stink, my eyes are already watery.
The girl, to my mind, smells e ... finally.
- You, you ... ... she mumbles
- Why are you, stay calm for yourself, I give a shit to you who she is, I can see I entered, that stinks.
The girl, to my mind, settled on the floor of the elevator. I think I almost lose consciousness from my own smell.
But on the other hand, I understand that it is impossible to delay, either now or never.
In short, I bent down, took off my shorts from one leg. On the floor, she blurted out, according to my estimates, it was goblin from shorts. The girl in the corner is just mooing like a cow.
I recovered and took off my panties from the second leg. I already felt better, half the work done. I stand with a shorts in my hand and think in which corner this Khivra is roaring, well, so as not to throw a shorts on her head, and so as not to fall on her own pants. He listened, yeah, he’s sitting on the opposite side, which means you need to aim at the opposite corner.
And then a complete p ... crept up unnoticed. The lights turned on and the elevator moved.
When my eyes got used to it, I realized that something was wrong with the girl. Her eyes are like fifteen-inch monitors, her mouth is open, her hands hang like whips, she does everything with her mouth like a fish, in short, I think everything, f ... demolished the tower of fright. And then I understood. Painting in the elevator. I stand naked below the waist, all stsuko in the gammon, in the hands of shorts with a gammon and look at the girl. Anna was shorter than another five seconds with her mouth padela and stupidly fell to the floor. Everything, I think, is dead, I still got enough blindness in the elevator.
I decided not to waste time, I wiped my pants and feet. I put on my pants and stand like an honest citizen waiting for my floor. There is a girl on the floor, probably dead, in her hands panties with a gomne, I don’t know why I was holding them.
When the elevator arrived, the girl had not yet come to life, and was lying on the floor. I thought it would be wrong to leave her in the elevator in this state, so I pulled her to the floor. Palazhiel neatly put his underpants under his head and ran out of this house.
I can’t understand the current, what x ... was she so scared?
After all, when it stinks in the elevator, it means that someone has fucked up, but if it smelled x ..., this one can be scared here, e ... they will, although I don’t see anything terrible here either.
And besides, I smeared your fur coat a little with gammon, wiped my leg off it