Jokes (STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl)
A rookie asks a veteran.- Hey uncle, where can I sleep here, I'm afraid of dogs.
- There is a two-story house a kilometer from here, there are no dogs there.
Why aren't there dogs?
-Elementary stalker! They are afraid of bloodsuckers!
Three stalkers tried to somehow domesticate the Zone and start vegetable gardens there. A year later they meet in the Bar and boast:
- Here I have grown an apple - put it on a stool - the stool broke, so
big!
- What's this. I put my apple on the table - the table collapsed!
- And my apple grew, so I put it on the cart ...
- And what - the cart broke?
- No, but a worm got out and ate a horse!
Stalkers are sitting in a bar.
Then one old stalker comes up to the young one and says:
- I slept with your mother.
Everyone is expecting a fight. But the young is calm, as he was.
The old stalker sat down at his desk. After 10 minutes, he again approaches the young one and gives out:
- Your mother is the best in bed!
The young man does not respond.
The old one sits down, but after a minute he jumps up and shouts:
- By the way! Your mom liked how I fucked her!!!!
The young man turns to him and says:
- Yes, I know, dad, I know! Go home you're drunk.
A landing plane is flying, an officer comes out to the paratroopers and says:
"Guys, we are flying to the ZONE," the guys grew gloomy, but the officer continues: "For the head of each killed stalker, we will pay a bonus of $ 1,000."
The plane comes in for a landing, the paratroopers are scattered, the officer alone does not have time to open his mouth, after 30 minutes the paratroopers return, dragging huge bunches of heads behind them. The officer, almost fainting, says:
"Guys, we landed in Kiev for refueling."
The stalker's wife complains to her friend: - My husband is an alcoholic. I'm already so tired of him. What should I do? She replies: - Yes, I had such a problem. You try to do this: when your husband comes drunk and goes to bed, you put a snake in his pants. He will see her, think that delirium tremens has begun, and stop drinking. Well, the first one did. The next morning, the man wakes up, goes to the toilet, pulls a snake out of his pants, she says to him: - Shhhhhh ...
Man: - I'll give you shhhh, piss come on !!!
Shooting exercises in debt Shooting
results:
Ivanov - 9 out of 10...
Petrov -10 out of 10...
Sidorov - Petrov...
ra stalkers, through the joint efforts of several countries, invented a new international vodka. Representatives of the countries gathered to discuss who will test the new product on what. The Germans say:
- We will test it for toxicity.
The French:
- We are on aromatic properties and taste.
The British:
- We are on transparency and color.
Russians:
- Well, we are at the limit of consumption.
Old and young bloodsuckers trudge through the territory of the Yantar factory. Stalkers appear on the horizon. Seeing the bloodsuckers, the stalkers huddled in a steel container and locked themselves. The old bloodsucker says to the young one:
- Go and find out who?
The young one comes back in a minute.
- Military!!!
- How did you know?
- And they left their camouflage things out of fear ...
- Fool, right now, everyone in military uniform is hanging around, go, find out who?
- The young one returns in a minute.
- Duty!!!
- How did you know?
- Well, they have walkie-talkies, they talk, call their own ...
- Fool, right now everyone has walkie-talkies, go and find out who?
The young one comes back in a minute.
(jumping happily) - FREEDOM!!!
- How did you know?
- So they are all stoned there ... knocked - opened.
Two Stalkers are walking through the forest. Suddenly one asks:
- Did you see?
- Not.
- Yes, what are you? A poltergeist just flew over us.
They go further. Then the first again asks:
- Have you seen?
- Not.
- Are you completely blind? The bloodsucker just ran through!
After a while, the first again asks:
- Have you seen?
The second, already feeling embarrassed, decided to answer in the affirmative:
- Yes, I saw it!
"So what did you step into then?"
Once a stalker was driving his "Niva" near the Svoboda base and pierced all four wheels. I went to the base to the local merchant and asks:
- I need wheels.
He takes out a box of pills and counts:
- One, two, three, four ...
- No, I need to leave.
- Yeah, ... five, six, seven, eight
Stalkers came to the Forester and said to him: -
Forester, people say you have a machine gun!
- People are lying, they are lying!
- Forester, people say you have a grenade launcher!
- People are lying, they are lying!
- Forester, people say you have a tank!
-What is not, is not.
The Black Stalker comes to Svoboda and says:
-Your time has come! I am your death!
And Svoboda replies:
-Let's smoke before we die.
-OK!
They dragged on once and the Black Stalker said: -
In short, I'll come tomorrow.
The next day he came again
- Your time has come, stalker!
-Let's take a break, shall we?
-Crap! OK!
We smoked and he left again.
Comes the next day: -Well,
what? Let's smoke and I'll go?
Two freemen are sitting, with a bag of plans and smoking
- Gee-gee, s-h-hear Kolyan, gee-gee, what will happen to me if I smoke the whole bag at once?
- Well duck there bleeding will start from the nose, eyes, ears.
- Wow, Nifiga behold, why???
- Because if you are the only one who smokes the whole plan, I will break those bastards all over!
There is a Screw (Svoboda mechanic), removes the wheel from the UAZ. A stoned free man approaches him.
- Brother, what are you doing?
Yes, I'm taking the wheel off.
-Yes.
Stoned takes a brick and ka-ak will give on the windshield! Screw: What are you doing,
you bastard?! Yes, I love you!
- Calm down, brother! You take your wheel, and I'll take the radio.
Chelyabinsk "Stalker"!
Chelyabinsk stalkers are so severe that instead of artifacts they took out a pipe from the Chernobyl nuclear power plant from the Zone!
Chelyabinsk Sidorovichi are so harsh that they trade in bunkers 10 km deep!
Chelyabinsk artifacts are so severe that moonshine is produced instead of a dose of radiation!
Lukash asks the stoned fighter.
- Ivanov! What is a tank?
- The tank is an excited tractor, comrade commander !!!!
The son came on a visit to his mother from the artillery regiment near the cordon (they were naughty from the artillery at especially large flocks of mutants). He ate, took the cat in his arms, sat by the stove, warming himself. He was exhausted and fell asleep. Then a piece of coal jumps out of the stove and falls on the carpet. Mother shouted:
- Fire!
The son jumps up, throws the cat into the oven, pushes the damper:
- Loaded the gun!
Winnie the Pooh and Piglet have been trampling the Zone for 2 years now. 3 days since Vinnie did not return. The last message from him came to Pyatochka's PDA last evening:
Piglet, these are some kind of wrong bees!!!
Grandpa, tell me how you shot down two helicopters in the Zone!
- Well-u-u... Not quite shot down.. Let's put it this way: I didn't refuel!