Jokes (STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl)
A rookie asks a veteran.- Hey uncle, where can I sleep here, I'm afraid of dogs.
- There is a two-story house a kilometer from here, there are no dogs there.
Why aren't there dogs?
-Elementary stalker! They are afraid of bloodsuckers!
Three stalkers are sitting somehow in a bar. The last glass is left, they think who will drink it. We agreed as follows: whoever tells the most amazing story, he drinks. The first one tells:
-Here, I remember, I was walking at night, the last clip was in the Kalash, and then five snorks jumped out at me. I took the machine gun and put them all down with one clip.
-Eh, it happened to everyone ...
The second one says: Somehow I ran out
of cartridges, there was only one grenade left. And here, from behind a tree, are two pseudo-giants! I threw a grenade, they were both thrown into the anomaly by the blast wave.
- Well, you won’t surprise us with this ...
The third one says:
I go after meeting with the bandits: no money, no weapons, no cartridges - nothing. Suddenly I see an artifact lying around. Well, I picked it up, sold it to Sidorovich, I had enough money for a pistol and a couple of clips ...
Everyone:
-Drink, drink ...
To continue, perhaps the topic ...
Marked is walking through the Zone. He approaches the laboratory on Yantar, and there is a large inscription on the wall: "Here was the Shooter." The labeled one went further. He approaches the Chernobyl nuclear power plant, and there is an inscription on the sign: "And there was also a Strelok here." The labeled one went further, enters the hall with the Monolith and sees that the crystal is scrawled: "And even here was Stre_" - and the inscription breaks off, and below it is another one: "They beat Arrow here. O-consciousness." Bullseye spat, turned around and went to look for the secret door...
From the game:
One stalker says to another:
-And I always take a photo of my mother-in-law with me on a hike.
-Why?
-Well, imagine: cold, dirt, anomalies, mutants... And I'll look at the photo and think: "Lord, how good it is!"
A stalker comes to the doctor:
- I have nightmares: I dream that I am locked in a cramped box with a bunch of mutants.
- The controller warns you. The next time you go to the Zone, be sure to leave him a bottle of vodka, otherwise the dream will come true.
-Thank you, doctor! I will do so!
- Yes, not at all ... Thank you for the doctor ... - the controller grinned.
The controller decided to train the dog. And so with her, and that, but she does not understand anything. A zombie stands nearby, looks at it and says:
- You're trying hard. She will not learn to bring you slippers.
-And you shut up. You also didn’t immediately learn how to bring slippers to me ...
Not a joke, but also funny - today I heard in the game (ZP)
Two debtors:
Well, let's drink to Duty and to our fearless squad!
Svobodovets nearby:
-Yeah... Do you remember how your fearless detachment crawled on its knees in front of us when you asked for shelter during the release ...
Sometimes the flesh climbed into some secluded corner, lay down on the grass and cried: “Well, why the hell did I get carried away to this Pripyat ...â€. Having finished crying, she wiped her patch with a hoof, and sighed: “... and how is it now without me Winnie and Christopher Robin? ...â€
from the game:
it means that an old bloodsucker is sitting on the porch of an old house. he sits thinking about life and then a little bloodsucker runs up to him and says:
- Dad, dad, show me the stalkers!
The bloodsucker frowned and said angrily:
- It's late, go to sleep tomorrow everything!
the kid is not inferior:
-Dad, show me the stalkers!
the bloodsucker replies: -
okay, wait here ...
goes into the house, returns five minutes later in each hand on the skull and left so powerfully, in a bass voice: -
Hello Semenych!
right such a quiet high voice: -
Hello Petrovich!
- Good weather today Semenych
- Good Petrovich!
-What do you think, are there bloodsuckers here?..
-Yes, what kind of bloodsuckers are Semenych?!
From the game:
Two brothers sit and tryndya. One to the other and says:
- Hey, sidekick, you and I have been sidekicking since the youngsters, so let me prick you as a keepsake!
Second:
- In blah, nishtyak so topic! Hey, let's have a tank on your back, but only in such a way that it would be beautiful. Usek?
Kolschik:
- You offend! It will be sloppy! I give you a tooth!
Five minutes pass. Kolschik such:
- Both! Get hurt! Everything is ready.
Second:
- I don't understand, why so fast?!
And the kolschik told him:
- What the fuck! There are only four letters!
******
Fremen caught the debtor, well, they are interrogating him.
- Tell me how many people are in your assault squad?
Dolgovets:
- For the life of me, I won’t say
Svobodovets:
- Listen. We are for you for each of the warriors on the jamb! Speak me!
Dolgovets dispersed and let's yell:
- Yes, so that I can sell our entire detachment to you for some 12 joints ...
******
The debtor is sitting and his son is on his knees and asks:
- Dad, dad! Well, tell us about the adventures in the Zone!
Father:
- All right. I'm sitting in the bushes...
- Aha! You're sitting in ambush, dad!
Dolgovets is a little bewildered:
- Well, let him be in ambush. One does not interfere.
A few facts about pseudo-giants:
1) The pseudo-giant is stupid. Highly. Only from the hundredth time does it dawn on him that a shot to the head is fatal.
2) The pseudo-giant sees very poorly. But with his weight, that's not his problem.
3) When two pseudo-giants collide foreheads, the earthquake reaches Japan.
4) A pseudo-pseudo-giant (not found in nature) can withstand a direct hit from an atomic bomb.
5) Favorite game of pseudo giants - jumping from a height to the burer. Whoever breaks through his defense with his weight first wins.
6) One person suggested that pseudo-giants originated from chickens. The next day he was found dead.
7) The only way to scare a pseudo-giant is to show him another pseudo-giant, five times bigger.
8) The most difficult thing in hunting for a pseudo-giant is to kill him. Some stalkers think so. In fact, the most difficult thing is to get out from under the carcass.
9) The most common death cry of stalkers who met with a pseudo-giant is "A-A-A, finish the cartridges ..."
10) Five pseudo-giants in one group can make their way forward, not paying attention to such trifles as trees, tanks, mountains. ..
In light of the improvement in the quality of work with clients and the increase in
sales, Sidorovich changed his speech patterns a bit:
1. "What the fuck do you want?" - "What exactly are you interested in?".
2.. "All kinds of shit" - "A wide range of goods."
3.. "F*ck I will!" - "The firm gives a guarantee."
4.. "Where do they get such motherfuckers?" - "Leave the coordinates of your company."
5.. "Shove yourself in ..." - "Needs to be improved."
6.. "I answer nap * dora!" - "I will personally supervise the implementation."
7.. "I'm in your mouth *ball!" - "We are not
interested in your proposal at the moment."
8.. "What the fuck?" -"
10.. "Fuck you!" - "Discounts are not provided."
11. "P * gift darned" - "Client".
11.. "Sheep *banaya" - "Client".
12. "H * ylo bespectacled" - "Promising client."
13. "F*ck already" - "What else would you like to know?".
14. "there is such.. x * y pras * ysh" - "High-tech developments ...".
15. "Fuck you!" - "Contact my colleague..."
three brothers are walking around the zone here from the bushes, a bloodsucker is attacking them with a cry
of SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brother:
no, no, we are with the district
new anomaly of the zone STALKER NOT SINGING distinguishing feature does not drink alcohol detection method go to the enhanced squeak of a
geiger
brush there is one stalker at the bar and he says to his neighbor not well, have you seen, but ????? bitten cattle, but before a decent stalker sniffed the artifact. ________________________________________________________ came up with a joke laughed forgot
a new group appeared in the zone - "fucking * would" - location garbage dump
fighting against the homeless number of soldiers of the group 2 people
weak group
at the entrance to Sidorovich on the door is written "I CAME WITHOUT KHABAR FUCK FUCK ... Sidorovich
what is the program going on? where? when?
the host comes on stage and says: now my friend Kolyan will ask you a question.
Kolyan comes out and says: in short, my friend Vasya borrowed 5,000 rubles a month ago and did not give it back. a week ago he borrowed 1000 and didn't pay back the bitch either. two days ago he borrowed 50 and didn't give up the fucking bitch either. so the question is, who the bitch is in the black box?