Jokes on Skyrim (The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim)
Funny, did not find similar topics. Write here your stories. Just do not martinich joke dragonborn so severe, that not goes to the toilet as in similar topics on other games.The end of the month, payday.
- So, the plan is executed, VIP customer service, passed the report.
- An honest fee for honest work. An honest fee for honest work. An honest fee for honest work.
I was exasperated by all the expensive travels, but then I took an arrow in the knee...
Married companion, in bed just a beast!
And in Skyrim, didn't know that the Russians have been using the shouts, putting them in the soul. And, of course, all shouts consist of three words; here stumbled for example, and issue a f** your mother!... and it helps!
PS. Not specifically about Skyrim, but you, too, after the announcement of a storm warning waiting for him for the next morning to tell her peacefully sleeping in the chair Khajiit well, you and Sonya, even yesterday's storm didn't Wake you up?
Arrived Dragonborn in Market included - and its taverns Ingvar Singer meets his eyes and says cryptically: Crowl and silver, buddy! Crowe and silver! - and disappears.
Panicked Dragonborn. This is, I think, a sign to me that little vermin destroy! Or a secret message from well-wishers - they say that death to want you!. Rushed to do all the city quests, all the vampires within a hundred miles of the Limit of ditch, the ancient burial mounds dug up and wealth in sacrifice to the gods brought - but no, no matter how you meet him Ingvar Singer, all shining eyes Yes predicts a hoarse voice Crowl and silver!!!.
Quite fell the spirit of the Dragonborn, went to the pub eyes fill with ride with grief, Yes, thank you, good people there and did that. Oh, say, silly-degenerate by our local Ingvar Singer! He, in addition to the words Crowl and silver! finally nothing can not say....
When the Dragonborn realized that despite the state 100000 septims (average price for a drink is a 5 SP and country house in the 10000 SP), to be alone with a girl in Skyrim is impossible, he cursed the province is a terrible Word and emigrated.
Many wondered why the map of Skyrim is empty. Just Skyrim graduates of the Academy of cartography, sent directly from the University to explore the land of the province and to sketch them, were given only to the parchment, protractor and pencils, not saying that every forest, plain, foothills or lake are fraught with diverse population - from evil spirits to cave bears. White spots on the maps was exacerbated by high mortality of cartographers.
When the Dolphin began to pester Dragonborn requirement to kill Parturnaksa, he just married her. Bloodlust girls immediately disappeared, because she started pressing (and more enjoyable) problems.
The boy in Whiterun with fright, asked his grandfather: Father, in the streets Cries heard, it's a dragon? The elderly Nord quietly: Well, what Gaumont? Look out the window! The city lights? Houses collapse? The boy, relieved: No... Old Nord instructive: "So remember, this is Dragonborn in a cave destroyed draugrov, happily drunk, had loaded treasure in excess of weight and trying to drag myself down to the dealers with the help of touma Rapid breakthrough... Boy, looking out the window: nope, now just yelling: I will shoot you on video and sue you for violation of human rights! - the guards hands wrung....
The dragonborn went to the temple to preach stupidities, comes back motivated and in the tavern with fever tells his comrades: to Steal from the graves, the dead, and of funerary urns is a sin! Will never desecrate the ashes of the deceased will not be taken from dead enemy property... Eila, expressive grinning: Then thou shalt drink, bonehead, only Baltika № 3 (and on holidays), instead of armor have to wear torn rags, instead of expensive spells to use obscene swear words..
Brinolf, after the quest Reborn triad of his head: When I was offered to become the third, I expected if not depraved Orgy, then at least for good booze. And here on you - the Nightingales recorded!
Dragonborn refused to buy a house in Windhelm: the average temperature in the year -15, logs are more expensive than steel armor, imported products (in the snow-nothing grows), by night maniac kills women, and in the Palace more trenchant or two paranoid for days revenge all in all, the Gulf province with blood, and the court magician eloquent nickname Inanimate...
When in Riften have Dragonborn appeared hut cake and adjusted the informal supply of Mead Black Heather, to his housecarls joined all the bears of Skyrim.
Orcs stubbornly refused to recognize the Dragonborn another tribe, because they were aware of his phenomenally politically incorrect ignorance on the examination of the Ethnography of Skyrim, he managed to blurt out that Molokai was a dealer in milk and vanilla cheese.
God be with you, the mercy of Stendarr... - ominously said the First Sentinel, pulling the axe and playing with them.
Because the Watch NO mercy!! - roared the Second Sentinel right in the ear of the belated traveler.
Never has the Dragonborn not run on Skyrim so quickly!
... And was in the House Associates are surrounded by a great honor Kodiak White Mane, firmly respected warriors and Vignar Gray Mane... But somehow with great suspicion belonged to the handsome Blue Mane...
- I still don't understand, what do the Mages ' College can be in the Saarthal? - grimly asked the guard get out of a burial mound Dragonborn. Is the place given to the dead Nords, not your wild experiments!
- Absolutely right! confirmed Dragonborn, kick swinging the head of a dead man into the nearest Bush, breaking hammer funeral urns and greedily raking gold artifacts. - Honor and respect to the ancient ancestors, and how!
The dragonborn went to the Thalmor Embassy and was told that the brother of Hamscs in the Central square of Whiterun promotes banned the worship of Talos. Hamstr preached from early morning till night, and so sad-hysterical voice that drove into a fierce longing and prevented Domacinu to sleep even on the weekends.
The commander of the dawnguard trusted Domacinu strategically important mission: to get the Bow of Auriel. And along with the Garlic Auriel, Auriel Buckwheat, Cheese Auriel, Auriel Butter, Cheese Auriel, Auriel Stew, Bacon and Beer Auriel. Well, not in the strongholds of food, was not.
In the immigrant quarter of solitude she lived a big happy family Argonians: Gulum-AI, Gulum-Oh, Gulum Hey the poor guy and Gulum-UI. Rude Nords constantly mocked his name, adding to the last two letters of another.
- You're here to lick the heels of my father? - angrily asked the Dragonborn the son of Jarl Balgruf.
- What salary offer, kid? - interested in dragonborn.
- I greet you, brother Nord! You too are fighting against the Empire?.. - Greetings, cousin! You are also against the Brothers of the Storm? - haunted Dragonborn in different parts of Skyrim...
Zijalka ludishki Dragonborn... something to put on your despicable strife... - hissed in his soul the shadow of Alduin.
And Yes you will meet death with a sword in hand! cheerfully wished Mol Lioness Domacinu in the market of Riften.
- Strange You have good morning, girl! - hangover Dragonborn grumbled, heading to the "Mead brewery".
And decided the wise men of Hrothgar: Yes, will be elected totem Nordic people - truly exuberant, fearless, strong, hardy, fierce, tough, tough, proud, stubborn... And became this symbol is the RAM...
- K R O C And With a... - a terrible bone voice draugr-the executioner began to utter a deadly spell bound irresistible force to destroy the enemy in the powder...
Henosis!! - angrily retorted strange nothing to counteract the spell Dragonborn, carrying the dead man's head off with a rusty pickaxe. - Come in large numbers these very competent..
And in the Church solemnly declared: in order to win the favour of the gods and marry the Dragonborn needs to find perished in some kind of piquant situation the amulet of Mara. And then the amulet of Sarah. And the amulet of the Sofa. Plus the amulet of Larocca. Priestesses of the temple were fascinating restartgame...
There are rumors that Hermaeus Mora, in despair of the stupidity of his new student, in a rage, yelled you're mu..K!!!!. The student, having more and poor hearing, rejoiced, taking a curse for a proud new name. So a Lord Mirak.
You think, douche-noob can't become Archmage? A thousand septims, and we'll prove otherwise!.
Always Yours, The Mages Guild.
Inhabitants of Skyrim donated 100,000 Septim to the bards College has introduced a training program for singers, wandering minstrels of Skyrim. For poor the current repertoire of three songs: Ragnar the Red, Dragonborn and We are largely of Nord children completely zadolbali listeners.
Never seen Mol so upset! Is this town so getting on her nerves? - astonishment asked Erin.
Marry her already, you moron! Because it's YOU that is acting on her nerves! - angrily replied the Dragonborn.
- Give something to a poor old woman... - plaintive girlish voice said Silde Invisible.
- The old woman?!? - astonishment asked the Dragonborn, carefully looked around beauty. - And You, Mademoiselle, are you doing tonight?
- Civil, I'm warning you! Here are the Affairs of state! - steel voice rasped Imperial soldiers.
CIVIL!?! What are you, the armor, the shoulder straps and stars can not see?! - offended Dragonborn. - Well *** the Imperials, was picked to serve from distant villages donkeys are uneducated...
I'll show you what a REAL FIGHT!!! - rattled like a sword-wielding Orc, rushing for the frightened chicken.
The Mead here is some reason mixed with the spores of hallucinogenic mushrooms... - he noted in his diary Dragonborn.
Asked the Dunmer merchant, brand-Necks to bring him Dragonborn book wise describes it, brand-Neck, pedigree. And brought him Dragonborn scientific publishing - Alfred Brehm, animal Life. Grieved, brand-Necks and reftinskiy filed a lawsuit on Dragonborn Aki on racist politcorrectness...
From materials of Markarth regional court.
...On the result data, the defendant, Domakinov Dragonborn Dovgilevich, is accused of vandalism, drunkenness, indecent assault, razlagalsa impact on the rule of law and contempt of the laws of the province. In the company of a Sam Also (allegedly Domakinov D. D., to incite him to all the crimes) accused by one person three bottles of wine, two bottles prohibited Sumy (according to the defendant, not scumy and harmless Mead!), and otakarova windelsbach a mug of black beer:
1) caused damage to the property of the city, having located in the center of the marketplace beer stand, shouting I Nadalini beer after settling foam!!!. One hundred barrels of strong beer hit the city Creek, making drinking water alkogolesoderzhaschie drink. Domakinov D. D. claims that beer stand he ordered the owner of a local tavern for the purpose of elimination of competitors;
2) stole an antique platinum statuette DiBella and all gold items from the temple, explaining their actions to combat the opium of the people, the cleansing of religion from the avarice and return to drevneevreyskom piety;
3) after that screaming get lost, you old bag! pushed out of the Temple DiBella the high priestess, and within three hours, while the guards were unsuccessfully hacked oak doors of the temple, together with Sam Also had fun in a society of young novices. Domakinov D. D. said she spoke with them about morality and called for an ascetic lifestyle;
4) spoil the arresting officer's custody in the context of the entire garrison, then the guards, broke open the cellars of markarth merchants pulled out of the area of strategic stocks of wine Alto, overseas sujamma, Nord Mead, and were treated to the city free of charge. The result was three days of heavy hangover of makartsev, paralysis, local trade, management, agriculture, and industry. The hangover suffered even horses.
Because of the gravity of the misconduct, Markarth regional court thought would be appropriate to sentence Domakinov D. D. to life imprisonment in the mines of Seats, but I have to consider the following mitigating circumstances:
1) the same night the city was attacked by a battalion of blood thirsty vampires and death hounds. Perekusa helpless by reason of drunkenness of citizens, the dark ones did not survive concentrations of alcohol in the blood buhih of marketsaw and banc burned by moravskeho them from within the green flame. A cleric of Arkay brother Merely claims that he battled vampires, because while fun, was sprinkled on the stocks of alcohol of the consecrated water to drink;
2) flying past the dragon nalakavshis from the Creek, already filled by the time poured Dovainonys D. beer, came to polunamekami state and city rushed to the pharmacy for lopedium and aspirin. Where were tied by a sober fear of the guards. Now markarth the kids in the zoo has a new fire-breathing pet;
3) young novices of the temple DiBella show that Domakinov D. D. S. and Also so convincingly urged them to pious austerity, reinforcing his words with personal examples, that from this day they are ready to leave the temple and go to the nearest big city in order to teach morality unrepentant young Libertines from all over Skyrim. Testimony is partly confirmed by the fact that when Domakinov D. D. novices giggled and exchanged comments in the style of Oh my God, what a man....
Subject to the foregoing, Markarth regional court shall issue a ruling:
1) to Justify Domakinov D. D. on all counts, moreover, give him the thanks of the municipal authorities and to allow to drink at any time in the taverns of the region at the expense of the local budget.
2) Because under the guise of Sam Also was hiding outside the jurisdiction of the provincial laws Daedric Prince Sangvin, to withdraw all charges against him and send a welcome address.
PASSED UNANIMOUSLY.
Telvanni decided to check who the best mage. Gathered a Council, sit, think. The judge decided to appoint Devita Fira.
Comes Fear, looks around, everyone looks at him, waiting until he starts to check them. Divayt calls upon the Daedroth, puts it in his mouth cock, whacks him in the skull. Jaws are closed and opens divayt shows all the member without a scratch, proudly saying Who can do?
From the rear ranks came a voice:
– I can only hard head don't hurt...
not quite anegdot, but still
I (that's really, really, really, and I'm not lying) robbed the floor of Skyrim, some even stole clothes HD
Not really about Skyrim, about tes in general:
Khajiit comes to the tavern and says:
- I have the best drink you have, the best room and the best waiter! I'll pay well.
The innkeeper does all of this, and the Khajiit only gives him a few septims.
- Sorry, brother, not yet. Then I'll give it back.
The owner, muttering under his breath, walks from the side of the pantry - he has a lot to do. Seeing all this, the orc repeats after the Khajiit.
- Give me everything that you gave him. I'll pay two septims more!
The owner was finished. He called two mercenaries and they dragged the orc and the Khajiit to the nearest cliff to get the two impudent people out of there. The orc sees a slyly smiling Khajiit and thinks
, "This rascal definitely has a plan ..."
Already at the very edge of the cliff, the Khajiit says to the orc:
- For those who do not know the levitation spell, you are too brave!
The guar went wherever they looked - and burst.
The Bosmer arrives at a tavern in Valenwood and says:
“I’m rotmet and the best waiter. They bring him brandy and a lot of meat. The orc asks for the same thing, but asks the tavern owner, also a Bosmer:
- Is that old woman who brought the Bosmer food really your best waiter?
The innkeeper grins predatoryly and replies,
“Do you think you’ll do better?â€
There are three ways to tell an alpha from a normal cat. Throw both into the water - whoever shouts Khajiit abuse is an alpha. Or you can try to say "kitty-kitty" - whoever sets you on fire with a magic ball is clearly not just a cat. And the last one - one sells meatloaf, the other is.