Jokes, damn it, fifth series!
Is little johnny down the hall with a globe, meets his teacher and asks:- Vovochka, where are you going?
- In the toilet!
- Why do you want Globus?????
- Well, you know, the mood, the world we@host wants!!!!!
Dad asked me to bring him Slippers. As he walked, his head has matured a hell of a plan. I go to my sister and her friend just came and say:
— Dad said that I'm your girlfriend's Tits touched.
— Th? Couple drive!
Do not believe?
Shout from the room:
— PA–a–a–p, right or left?
Dad from the room:
— Both, son.
Once a disciple asked his Master:
— How long to wait for change for the better?
If you wait a long time! — replied the Master.
In Moscow has conducted crash tests of Russian cars. The most dangerous was voted the car Oka: while planting a dummy in his car, he broke both legs.
— What's that awful howl, Holmes — the hound of the Baskervilles?
— No, sir Henry fed cereal.
Hang the criminal, it rests and shouts:
Is by what law are you going to hang me?
— And we all hang by the same law.
Is what?
— Of universal gravitation.
I seem to have one baiting jokes, e!?
Spoiler - I Have a friend in the mountains was gone.
- Will meet again. In the mountains live long.
Do I have to go to a psychiatrist, asked myself Nicholas. The opinions were divided.
A woman wants a man all his life wore on her hands and this is well earned. She has no idea how hard it is to make good money when your hands are busy.
Fans club led recalls that the expression, cyclist is outdated and offensive. In a modern, developed society it is accepted to speak the face of the pedal orientation.
Blackmail is a request in which it is hard to deny.
There is a Gai officer on a post next to a speed limit sign. Suddenly from-for turn shows the old "Zaporozhets" traveling as much as 2 km over the limit. The policeman happily smiles, waves his wand and whistling, urging the driver to stop.
"Zaporozhets" brakes near post from the car, groaning and almost in tears, gets old. Policeman to him:
— Well, my friend, you broke the rules. Pay a fine? Or I'll have you right to take.
— So, commander, where's my money? No money... — sighs the old man.
— Well, then I have to take away your rights, — answers the policeman and takes away from the trembling hands of the grandfather rights.
At this point, due to rotation at high speed crashes the car. The policeman, instantly forgetting about Dedkov, whistling with all his might. The car stops, it gradually goes big brother, looking sternly at the inspector and Dedkov and asks:
— Well, boys, which one of you whistled?
The policeman, not wanting to run into trouble, silent. Here the old man pulls at his sleeve and whispers:
— Well, captain, give me rights or I will tell Ambala, who's whistling!
a guy goes into a bar , approaches the counter , orders and notices that on the rack is a huge mug full of 100$ bills
calls the bartender and asks what it's like
and is ... is the game up 100$ I give 3 tasks . run - mug of yours , if not - leave. you gonna play?
- what kind of test ?
-toss the coin say
throws$ 100 in a mug
- first assignment - a liter of tequila in one gulp
- shit question, and the second
over the counter I have a Doberman with a sick tooth is to pull need. and third - above us lives an old lady of 80 years she have not been ... well, you know.
- come on tequila
in short chugs , as if nothing had happened, goes over the bar . 5 minutes no 10 minutes and the whole time barking and cheek of the dog
comes out of the bar man otrygivaetsja and says :
-well, where's grandma whose tooth ached ?
Advice to the tourist:
1. To the forest to find out where the South, we need to look at the tree. If a tree — palm, the South is already here.
2. To know the wind direction, you need to spit on your finger and lift it up. After standing for an hour with a spit-covered finger, ask yourself, And do I need to know the wind direction? If the answer is Yes — hold on.
3. If the backpack is getting lighter then you at customs.
The inscription on the tomb: “Here lies Zergling, who for all his life was bitten by two colonels, four majors, ten captains, 24 lieutenants, 42 sergeants, 486 ordinary and one mine”.
Where are we going, Vinnie? - asked Piglet.
- To visit the Rabbit.
And he is waiting for us?
- Waiting, as still waiting! Calls, asks: the Oven is heated, the stuffing is ready, but where is the promised pig?
The results of the lottery Windows 95:
1. Won the MicroSoft company.
2. Played millions of dummies..
- Honey, what do you give?
- Like, favorite, if only automatic transmission and a computer navigation system!
Antivirus: Warning virus detected!!! What are they doing?
- To cure;
- To move;
- To remove;
- Ignore;
- Send to a friend!
Two girlfriends meet.
- Wow, I didn't know.
Why?
- Look good.
- Tell me, Sergey, how did you know that in the house there's a stranger? Well, in our family it is not accepted to suddenly hit me from behind with a stool on the head.
More about travelers:
A call to the tour Agency.
— You tours to Egypt sell?..
— Yes, of course sell...
— Tell, and what resorts there are?
Sharm El — Sheikh, Hurghada, Taba, Nuweiba...
— In, stop, Nuweiba, Nuweiba exactly fit me!
— When are you going to go?
— And no, we here solve a crossword puzzle, thank you, Nuweiba suitable.
The doorman opens the door of the Elevator of an expensive hotel on the 20th floor.
— Down? smiling, he asks included tourist.
— You're down! — he is responsible.
A tourist passed by a small town at a speed of 120 km/h, stop the police and the Protocol for breaking the rules.
— A hundred crowns in fines, he says to the driver. He gives him two hundred crowns.
I said a hundred crowns, — says the policeman. Why would you give twice as much?
— Because I want to leave this fucking town with the same speed as entered.
Elderly tourists, a married couple, sat down to rest in a Roman café.
— Can't feel my legs, sighed the wife.
— Do not worry — comforted her husband. The longer you're gonna sit here, the more ancient will be the Colosseum, when we come to look at it.
Flying American aircraft. To our tourists are looking stewardess and asks:
— Rum, whisky, gin?
He:
— How much?
The stewardess looks surprised, doesn't know how to answer. Goes and searches the computer Russian answer. A minute later, comes back, walks up to him.
— Rum, whisky, gin?
He:
— How much?
— The freebie, the sir!
In London.
— And here, ladies and gentlemen, you see the monument to the Great fire of London. Now I want to ask you all: Who started it?
Tourist:
— Why are you looking at me, sir? I've never been to London!
The guide shows the tourists the castle. Dungeon travelers suddenly see the skeletons of human bodies, and are cold from horror.
— How did they get here?
— Simple, — explains the guide, already accustomed to such issues. — They decided to escape from the guide.
— Where are you going?
— On the beach.
Remember — vodka and water are incompatible!
— I don't drink...
— Here I think, what would I take with me to the sea such that I went to the beach and all around would be crazy!
Ski take.
it is time to introduce in schools the Orthodox menu, because school soup can have only martyrs.
Some assholes stole 20 packs of Red bull from my shop, no idea how these scum sleep at night.
Why the bar doesn't serve drunks, and the McDonald's fat gives to eat without limits?
In a country where average alcohol consumption per year per capita is 18 liters of pure alcohol, it is hard to prove that drinking Coke is harmful.
I ask to dismiss me at own will from the post of General Director of JSC Gazprom.
— But you do not work!
— You, above all, thank you. And with that summary I'll find a job.
— Dear passengers! Welcome aboard our ship, preparing for the non-stop flight Moscow — Leningrad. The team of our liner has a lot of experience in flying in this class. On account of its thousand successful takeoffs and no safe landing...
The door opens to the cockpit, there is a commander:
— Well, death row inmates, fly?
Pilot Commission...
— Growth?
— 182.
— Weight?
— 84.
— Spirometry?
— What is this?
— Well, you blow how much?
And, two liters...
In a book written four...
— Duck is on holidays.
Tonight the wife and children go to the country. So begins the happy but hungry summer.
On the men's rules of life:
1. If you don't want family problems — don't get married.
2. If you have managed to marry — don't go left.
3. If you still went to the left — don't get caught.
4. If caught not confess anything and for anything.
Hi, can you wash? I have the water turned off.
Come of course! I just heated a bowl.
— Damn...
The girl says to the guy:
- Honey, why when we kiss, you make me hold you with both hands behind the ears?
- And because I once lost a purse.
A review on the website of the travel Agency:
Rested in Tunisia alone. Was in Hammamet and in Djerba. Any suggestions or unworthy unworthy of the compliment in his address heard. One of my hands missed and never dragged!
(Nastya, 78)
— Which tourist destination do you consider the most budget for your family?
— A walk in the Park across the street.
Tips tourist: arriving in Egypt, the first thing to not forget to take a picture and put it in the net of the pyramid — most likely, no one has seen them.
Tourist talks about his trip to Mexico:
— It was just awful! Imagine the Indians on the right, the Indians left, the Indians in front of me! And even back too the Indians.
And what did you do?
— What was I to do!? I had to buy one wool-embroidered blankets that they offered.
The owner of the hotel in Tbilisi wants to impress a new guest:
— In your bed asleep Dumas and Pushkin!
Guest condescendingly:
— If you change clothes immediately — I'll close my eyes on this mess...
The two newcomers came to the hotel, the owner of which offers them a dirty little room.
— Well, how much is this pigsty?
For one pig — two dollars, for two or three.
The man wrote a letter to the owner of a small hotel:
— I would like to take my dog with me. She's well-mannered, of course, will not cause trouble. You don't mind?
Got the answer:
— I contain a hotel for many years and never no dog stole my towels, bedding or a picture from the wall. I've never had to call the police due to the fact that the dog got drunk and started a scandal in the middle of the night. And never happened that the dog didn't pay the bill. So happy to welcome the dog, and if she will vouch for You — You can also come.
The cook asks the chef:
What is your profession?Are you a policeman? xDDDDDDD
No answers the chef, "my main profession - OOOOOVER xDDDDDD
AHAHAHHAHAH,UAHAHAHA,Uh,MH..Hm..hmm.Why are you not laughing?
Cow climbs a tree. Raven her a Cow, what are you doing this climb on the tree? — Apples want to eat. — So it's a tree! And I have a...
The lion fell into the pit. On the edge of the pit wood, on wood monkey:
- Well everything you got! Now get you and out - skin on the Mat, the teeth on the beads, so do it!
Then the branch breaks and the monkey falls straight into the pit:
- Leva, you won't believe! Went down to apologize!