Jokes, damn it, fifth series!
Is little johnny down the hall with a globe, meets his teacher and asks:- Vovochka, where are you going?
- In the toilet!
- Why do you want Globus?????
- Well, you know, the mood, the world we@host wants!!!!!
Near the "Black square" by Malevich two ladies:
Ksenia Sobchak (dreamy sighs)
- Oh, how beautiful Malabar coast of the night! Sorry, the moon is not risen, nothing can be seen...
The Deputy Mizulina (violently)
- Honey, Wake up! What beach?! In this vile den of pedophiles raping little children! And the lights turned off so no one would know about the atrocities perpetrated!
In the office. The boss tells his Secretary:
— Natasha, get girls pliz, I now get a picture.
Wow! Why?
— Should I somehow wife to prove that everything is terrible and to change no one.
Dragon asked Baba Yaga.
— Who are you most afraid of?
— Guess.
— Ilya Muromets.
— No. Healthy, but lazy and stupid.
— Dobrynya Nikitich?
— No. Forces are many, but straightforward.
— Who?
— Ivan the peasant's son.
Why?
— The fool, shoots anywhere, with frogs kissing. Gross.
— Why the main role in the movie Titanic chose DiCaprio?
Because, if VIN Diesel or Steven Seagal, or worse Bruce Willis, the story would have went wrong, and they would have all been saved! !
Anyone who says, Why write correctly, we're not at a lesson of Russian language, I wish to meet the surgeon who will operate on them with the words: But why neatly cut and sew? We're not in the courses of cutting and sewing.
Not really a joke.
In short, I had a friend playing DotA Yiwu he had a girlfriend. His girlfriend often complained that he does not notice it and spend more time on DotA than on it.oneshila play DotA with him. So a couple of months she dumped him because he is a noob and the mother of his disappointing campaign. Well, or something like this
Was found 2 Bud. One another.
- Well, you really got up dude. Its stable, land Nemer, women a grief.
Hey, give me a horse.
Sobakasu you.
Wow, respect to you dude. And maybe the earth will share, and fraternally?
Sobakasu you.
Wow thanks man. Age your kindness will not be forgotten. So, maybe note this. Let's go with women hang out.
Is all my wife.
- Figase. And you are all of them.
- No. Not all of them.
Why is it so?
Sobakasu does not arise.
Polar expedition in the far North. In the camp there is some kind of accident on the snow mobile, a helicopter to fly up can not. And senior expedition says:
'Men need to get out of here!
It's minus forty! It is necessary not to freeze the most expensive [pointing to a member]
Therefore, each other in the ass, and systems...
Here they are so; and in about fifteen kilometers away, someone from the middle order...
Men! Let's have a-go up or what?! And that is fucked..I kind of get!
— Rose M.... Take your cat... He again fish Department is starved portrayed.
Grandma deals with 5—year-old granddaughter: — Helen, give me a word of 4 letters starts with m ends at and. — Mom! — Right, well done! And now you call the word of 3 letters, begins with x. Granddaughter goes to kindergarten, so knows many different words. She blushed and said: — Grandma, I'm not going to call it the word... Grandma without any ulterior motive put forth the word chorus and trying to help, and suggests: — Lenochka, it is small and large. Well? He sings... the Grandmother, and that he also sings?
https://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/194425/78907689.2/0_1c7c6b_dff5a313_orig.jpg
Johnny went to the movies. Before him the village a couple in love.
The boy hugged the girl and asked:
- Do you feel anything?
Yes. That you love me.
This morning in kindergarten, johnny is holding a little Light .
- Do you feel anything?
- No.
He presses harder.
- And now?
- Feel.
What?
- Want to take a crap!
Jack guest is a familiar aunt. She's about to leave. Mom brings little johnny: — What do you say? I don't know! — Come On, Johnny! What I always say, when aunt Natasha leaves us? — Finally dumped, idiot! Again, all the sausage and cheese eaten!
Talk to johnny's mom. Little johnny: — mom, Mom, and pochama our dad has two doggies? Mom: — you're a johnny, he has one doggie, as you do. Vovochka: — No two! The day before yesterday when we were with him in the bath, he had little pisik, and yesterday when he picked me up from daycare, our nanny, aunt Luda, was brushing his teeth more...
The johnny was late for class and entered the classroom without knocking. The teacher says: — Go outside and come in as expected. And I don't know how it should be. — Well, come in, how's your dad included. Little johnny goes and kicks the door hard and shouted: — yeah, parasites, did not wait?!
Elementary school teacher teaches children imagination and original thinking. The teacher: — Children, think of what it could be: grey road? Children: — Concrete wall. — Correctly. But still it can be a donkey. What is big and brown in the field? — A cow. — Correctly. But still it can be a stack of old hay... Vovochka (from the back of the Desk) Or a pile of shit. — Always you, johnny, all sorts of nonsense to say! — Can I ask? Teacher (nervously): Well, try... What could it be — when stuffing it, it's solid, dry and straight, and when you get soft, wet and saggy? The teacher, flushing, quickly crossing the class and gives johnny a resounding slap. Vovochka (rubbing his cheek): — Right. But still it can be chewing gum!
In Canada, a competition - who cut down the forest. All of these come with axes, chainsaws, etc. Vanity in General.
Here comes a little man with a hatchet and starts with one blow to fell the tree. And, of course, surpasses all. After the counting of trees cut down each participant's approach to a small two men and asked:
- Where you to cut the trees learned?
And I was in Africa once, chopping wood.
- So there is no forest!
Well, not here.
The government stated that the incomes of Russians began to rise.
I calculated your income and realized: it turns out, I'm not Russian!
Decided scientists to conduct an experiment who no longer food will last. Chose three people: the Chukchi, Russian and American. Settled each in a separate shumoizolyatory the room and said they say how hungry so press on the phone and say Starving!.
Started the experiment:
American rent the next day.
Two days later, comes Russian.
Scientists have recognized that the Chukchi winner but decided not to release him until he surrender. A week passes, then two , three. A month passed, scientists were concerned and decided to check whether it is alive is the winner. Open his room and see depletes the Chukchi huddled against the wall and sluggish voice repeating the phrase:
Hey phone, Chukchi wants to eat!, Chukchi wants to eat!
The Chinese have attached the antenna to the growing bamboo. Every day becomes four channel...more
In the plane on a nearby chair blonde and a lawyer. Fly a long time. Blonde silently turns away and looks out the window.
Lawyer blonde:
Let me ask You a question: if you don't know the answer - You me 5 dollars. Then You ask me: if I don't know the answer - I You $ 500.
The blonde agrees.
Lawyer:
- What is the distance from the moon to the Earth?..
Blonde silently gives him $ 5.
Blonde: Who climbs the hill on three legs and comes down on four?
It takes a couple of hours. The lawyer phoned all the friends searched through the Internet, the answer can not find. Nothing to do, gives the blonde $ 500 and asks:
- Well, who is it?
Blonde silently gives him $ 5 and turns to the window...